Monday, January 28, 2008

Scratched Skull

I don't usually like to eat my own words, but this part of my life is in the past. - 14/7/10

Thursday, January 24, 2008

The Sun Rose

This morning I woke up . . .

Looking into the eyes of the girl I love.

I Love Jess

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Social Suicide

Alright, let's get one thing straight, I am a loser, or was, well…errr, see I'm not too sure because it's your choice how you would like to label me. I say this because, I recently met an angry, angry, older girl, let's name her Xena, who once knew (or now loathes) another girl I've known for quite a while longer of the same age, we'll call her Daisy. Now, amazingly they both attended the same high school, Xena is a female version of me in the early years of me starting out as an adult as opposed to Daisy. For both Xena and I, Daisy would be one of those people that make up one of those spaces on a 'to be killed' list. The other night I witnessed the 'to be killed' passing judgment on the angsty Xena and referring to her high school status as "the biggest loser in school", now allow me to raise the question again, is Xena me??? Checklist: high school, tick; angry, tick; loser, tick. Now, on top of me being the one with loser above his head as if it were a thirteen year length game of Celebrity Heads, I did most of the work for everyone, I committed 'social suicide'. Now, for the very few on the globe that have not yet been informed, by suicide I'm referring to my previous employment as a secret service agent for the Aussie government. Crack, bang, toy guns, files and identification tags, the freakin' works; I could've been a con artist. For so many years I dedicated my youth to trying to convince people I was 007, with rare success of course, therefore putting myself in a bad place in the silly little game of being a kid. Course, kids make stuff up all the time but I took it too far and way too long. You ask me why? Some said it was because my folks went there separate ways, fuck you and mind your own business, some say I'm a complete idiot, congratulations. The real underlay of it all was, I wanted to stick out, I wanted to be different because at a young age, I subconsciously knew that everything ran the same functionality like mechanical robots, especially in faggy, little catholic schools where people give their lives to a book of short, fiction pieces. Although, true, I did get what I wanted but it never panned out the way I'd originally planned in my young age. That is all.

I am now leaving the building, Agent Quinn - Transmission Out.

Monday, January 14, 2008

Foreword ’08

It's 2008.
This is 17 years in the making.
I'm lying in a dark hotel room.
HSC year.
The beginning of the rest of my life.
Rise and shine, Ryan, it's time to shine above others, time to put the foot down. Lives are separating, we were best buddies now we are just simple acquaintances in passing that have new friends with the new job and the new world all in the package of a new life, all natural symptoms of a new sculpt, I am not yet sculpted. That process has not yet begun, this is the foreword to that process. The unfortunate fact is, sculpting can never survive in a loving environment. You blog about great days that fulfill your happiness with another which in turn, you are happy and I shall never destroy that but in compensation your joy injures my still existent and evidently non-mutual love and grasp on the past, I am afraid to admit that this will prevent me from sculpting but I am, and I am afraid that I won't be able to. The reason I have trouble letting go is the fact that the past I behold is a bundle of premature endings, for example, Lauren, I left our friendship in all good reason and all due time, yes, it was due time the fighting and pain ended, I feel refreshed by the ending because it needed to be done and I have let it go, but let's look at this on the other hand, Vanessa labelled 'most trustworthy' left the friendship many months back, it still hurts because it shouldn't have ended, we never see each other, her new developing world is like plaster and I choose not to revert her new back to old memories, in other words, the place I am stuck; Matthew was like a brother and right now all is well and good after what happened between him and Katelyn but the friendship is something different, like a spawn of what was me and him to what is now the reality of life and it's affect on a once strong friendship; Elise and I were always built on foundations with a lot of scenes and cracks, over this past time she has sculpted, as with any loving being there is only so much attention to be passed around and I need more from the sculpted Elise, trying just isn't enough with these 'once-were buddies'. Now the question remains, with all this in hand, will I sculpt, is this actually a before writing to a future transformation, yes and her name is Jessica.

4 months in the making.
She is evidence of sculpting, finally I have found something. After something like 20 'girlfriends', after every weekly girlfriend, every ditch, every meaningless toungue thrust, here we go for the real thing, what is to set me straight and show me what a real relationship with another human being feels like. Under every silly argument, every minute we don't communicate, we have a strong connection that isn't just a passable cloud filled with pursuits, confusion, rush and broken crayons like others, but a solid boulder of mutual love that cannot be bought. No matter Matt, Vanessa, Elise or Lauren, it's fine if my love exists and the friendship does not, aslong as I still have this one constant figure named Jess alongside those four squigly lines, ill be set to make something of my life.
Just thinking out loud.

Friday, January 4, 2008

A Brand Named Life

Brand Named aspects of my life:

All young adults must have.

The Simpsons
Network Ten: same episodes each week.

If it isn't Nokia, it isn't worth it.

He's a cool dude.

Lays Batman woop-ass on iPod (excluding iTunes).

No supernatural power needed to lay woop-ass.

Veolia Transport
Shittest bus company, Sydney Buses (Gov) much better.

City Rail
Good to tease but it's doing it's best.

...will never beat Fanta.

Mountain Dew almost as good as Fanta but never better than Ribena.

Packaged Ham
Steals the moola and is an inadequate feed.

Living cliché.

City Beach
Isn't worth walking into.

The only tasty frozen pies.

A gangster, html-illiterate and lazy version of MySpace.

A super-sweet MySpace imitation where MySpace ideas originate.

50 Cent
Got shot in the mouth and suddenly became a black guy trying to be a white guy which is trying to be a black guy (Eminem).

Not a living dead camera company.

Windows Media Player
Evil when it comes to errors but the way to go.

MSN/ Live Messenger
Bloatware: majority of the 18mb install and system load is for appearance, much like Vista.

Internet Explorer/ Outlook Express
For Suckers.

Spy Kids
Had too many movies.

Russel Crowe
Less insane, yet Aussie version of Tom Cruise.

Tom Cruise
A complete idiot.

The best show of all time, in my opinion.

What went wrong?

Lynx (Twist Top)
The new can does not work!

Teen/ Garage bands
Hardly ever anything amazing.

Chad Robert Turton-Kroeger (Nickelback Lead Singer)
Sweet vocals.

Worth it.

Not worth it.