Monday, January 14, 2008

Foreword ’08

It's 2008.
This is 17 years in the making.
I'm lying in a dark hotel room.
HSC year.
The beginning of the rest of my life.
Rise and shine, Ryan, it's time to shine above others, time to put the foot down. Lives are separating, we were best buddies now we are just simple acquaintances in passing that have new friends with the new job and the new world all in the package of a new life, all natural symptoms of a new sculpt, I am not yet sculpted. That process has not yet begun, this is the foreword to that process. The unfortunate fact is, sculpting can never survive in a loving environment. You blog about great days that fulfill your happiness with another which in turn, you are happy and I shall never destroy that but in compensation your joy injures my still existent and evidently non-mutual love and grasp on the past, I am afraid to admit that this will prevent me from sculpting but I am, and I am afraid that I won't be able to. The reason I have trouble letting go is the fact that the past I behold is a bundle of premature endings, for example, Lauren, I left our friendship in all good reason and all due time, yes, it was due time the fighting and pain ended, I feel refreshed by the ending because it needed to be done and I have let it go, but let's look at this on the other hand, Vanessa labelled 'most trustworthy' left the friendship many months back, it still hurts because it shouldn't have ended, we never see each other, her new developing world is like plaster and I choose not to revert her new back to old memories, in other words, the place I am stuck; Matthew was like a brother and right now all is well and good after what happened between him and Katelyn but the friendship is something different, like a spawn of what was me and him to what is now the reality of life and it's affect on a once strong friendship; Elise and I were always built on foundations with a lot of scenes and cracks, over this past time she has sculpted, as with any loving being there is only so much attention to be passed around and I need more from the sculpted Elise, trying just isn't enough with these 'once-were buddies'. Now the question remains, with all this in hand, will I sculpt, is this actually a before writing to a future transformation, yes and her name is Jessica.

4 months in the making.
She is evidence of sculpting, finally I have found something. After something like 20 'girlfriends', after every weekly girlfriend, every ditch, every meaningless toungue thrust, here we go for the real thing, what is to set me straight and show me what a real relationship with another human being feels like. Under every silly argument, every minute we don't communicate, we have a strong connection that isn't just a passable cloud filled with pursuits, confusion, rush and broken crayons like others, but a solid boulder of mutual love that cannot be bought. No matter Matt, Vanessa, Elise or Lauren, it's fine if my love exists and the friendship does not, aslong as I still have this one constant figure named Jess alongside those four squigly lines, ill be set to make something of my life.
Just thinking out loud.

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