Thursday, April 3, 2008


I am telling you though; it’s been a weird two months. It’s been a February and March of serene loneliness, horniness and lifelessness. I’ve been meeting people that have been interested in me, both sexually and intellectually but they don’t know me. Now, if you do know me well, you would know that I am a virgin, and that I am 17 and that’s alright for me, I don’t feel peer pressure, not to brag or try to self-proclaim or anything but I truly believe to be peer pressure immune, but it’s gotten to the point where I am wondering when will I lose my virginity, ballpark? You see, a few months ago I was living with this mentality that my future reeked of a life with this girl that I love because for the first time I found myself experiencing something real for a change, a relationship that was two directional, not just a one way thing where I am busting my balls for peanuts. Eventually, because of our mutual effort I fell in love with her. It got to the point where I’d spent more time with her as a boyfriend than I had with anyone ever before and as far as I could look down our road, I thought we would triple that period hands-down and as big as that tripling number maybe, I thought I would have been able to share all these things with her. After all the whores I turned down these previous years; in the city, in my old groups, I knew I was deflecting those prepositions in order to experience my first time with something actually worthwhile and special (and to avoid Chlamydia) and that special person was that beautiful girl I thought I actually had a future with.

Okay…so, after building this three year expectation, two months ago that all turned to the trash, the whole theory had washed away like an old Smith’s chips packet in the gutter of a rainy day, and now I am left with what? A right hand, and some of the same old-same old’s willing for a beneficial friendship. So, should I quit tripping balls through the temple of chivalry and stop wasting my time? My mature buddy says no, my dick says yes, my brain says ’that’s preposterous!’ and my heart is swearing at me for being a complete moron for even considering it and sacrificing any gram of a chance I might have with the love of my slowly dying youth. At the point of the recycling of my expectations, the sudden switcheroo left me at an all time down, from accompaniment to no accompaniment in no time at all; it put me in this lonely state where I am seeking souls, a soul offering a solidly grounded friendship that perhaps someone like Loz or Harb once offered. Sure, I am happy, just lonely is all.

So, that was my story, lonely and horny as fuck. So what? Am I to wait another three years, bowl over another twenty or so girlfriends, endure another Kristyn, another Lauren, another Alyssa, another Katelyn, lose another hand full of friends again, lose another Matthew, maybe by then it might be Belinda or perhaps, Rita; all in the hope to find just another perfect person. When I get that phrase, ’You’ll find another one’ that’s bullshit, but hold up a sec, no it’s not, it’s just I have to go through the hell of what I just mentioned once again in order to find another one. So, in my loneliness I am going through the ordeal of trying to feel that closeness again and that would be because I haven’t had much friendly contact in these past three months, no male bonding; no holding hands with my girlfriend; no sexual contact and; nothing has touched these lips but a toothbrush shaft and pieces of lonely pizza.

Although, I’m not having a bitch about these people I am involved with at current; Elise, Rita, Bel - these guys are my Batmen (well, batwomen) and I love them, I am mighty appreciative and mighty grateful at this point that I still have these guys over others. The other day I went to the show with Bel and her gang, fun bunch but that’s beside the point, the way Belinda was hugging me hello and goodbye gave me a shiver, like this tingle, it was nothing sexual, we weren’t holding hands or making out or anything threatening like that, but it was a hug that felt like it mattered, the only two hugs I have received since late January that have been at the sending side of making me feel like I was worthy of a real hug or a real connection with a real person. Honestly, she will read this and perhaps think back on our greetings and know that she wasn’t doing it with any special intention, honestly, these people didn’t do anything intentional, I’m sure Rita didn’t get up one morning and be like ’I’m going to give Ryan some company’ or something exacting that idea, that’s the reason I love them, because this is them, this isn’t some façade that will bite back at me, high school is almost over and these guys are growing up, so tall they look down at and shit on people that are at their weakest. Regardless, for the five or ten seconds that Bel and I were in each other’s arms, I didn’t feel that sense of loneliness anymore, it may have been the serenity I’d been feeling lately, but it was certainly a different form of it and those few moments were nothing less than brilliant.

This is just a prime symbolism of that Smith’s chip packet, the hug was that packet being recycled, I felt what I once felt again but just that I’ve managed to utilise the euphoria through the hugging power of someone that has begun to mean a great deal to me as a mate. Remember, GI-GO (Garbage-In-Garbage-Out), "You win some, you lose some". I’ve lost a bus full of people, and now some people are driving into my life in cabs. I welcome you.


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