Saturday, May 31, 2008

Paradox

Whoever doesn't give a shit

won't read this.

paradox a person or thing having contradictory properties.

I….am confused. I am on two-minds about everything right now, I don't know what to do, and I am pretty much lost between what's right and what I want. I guess it just boils down to that whole idea of life being one big Paradox, living the life as one big contradictory being. Like right now…see now I lost my train of thought, Linkin Park got me, sorry. Back to what I was saying, it's funny, I don't know if it's the concept of 'you don't know what you have 'til it's gone' but I just realised something, by New Years '08, I had befriended all the people that I will ever love before adulthood, I may not be with them as friends anymore but my happy days (not the show) are built on the fact that for a phase in my life, I was fucking sunshine and lollipops, I could walk down the street having everywhere to turn, I am getting chipper just thinking about it now, its a euphoric feeling…read my song Positopolis, it's all about that feeling of security, the smiles, the jokes, sleeping in Ancient, the bus to the station every morning with you and afternoons after school at your place, that was my nirvana right there. Sure, you guys pissed me off and did things that didn't thrill me but just the fact that I got to spend that portion of my youth with such brilliant kids, regardless of there later actions, just gets me. In around five months time, I can technically call myself an adult, in 2011 I will vote, on November 12th this year I will buy the latest issue of Playboy at the newsagent on the way to Star City, that's pretty damn scary, yet will you see me spending this remaining five months trying to fulfill my lost teenage social life, in compensation for the four and a half years I spent with my head in a book? No! It's better to have loved then lost than to have never have loved at all. This period we're in now, I lead a non-existent social life trying to achieve a high band HSC mark knowing that at one point since I turned thirteen I actually did have an awesome time every minute of the day. I will never regret kissing you in that park next to where the cinemas were, when you used to tease LP and I would tease MCR, when you were forced to watch me sleep in Miss Davis' class everyday, when you dragged me halfway across Guildford to hook up with Straightjacket and every time we took turns at crashing at each other's places (like seriously, dude, come get your shirts and your television and stuff, it's pissing me off.)

Honestly, last Saturday night was an awesome night at Carla's dinner, but I got home and I had a bit of a turn, for a few hours I laid on the floor in a majorly depressed state, spending some of it bitching to Jess about how bad my life is, the thing about that is, it's not. I walk through Westfields with hat on head and hoodie on hat and from within my own little mobile sanctuary which is created I am loathing at the site of happy couples, why? Maybe I am a little freaking crazy, perhaps something isn't right up in here anymore (by the way, I am pointing to my temple), because on the very late hours of Saturday I spent in my person-less home, .000000001% of me could've off-ed myself, and that's one more than any other day of my whole entire life; let's just say it was a terrible end to a great night. So, I had an awesome teenage life, it was nothing and never anything to bitch about, fuck it, people didn't want to be friends with me anymore or had some sort of lapse in judgement, I get it, but I had an awesome bundle of personalities at one point or another, personalities which I was affiliated with and I shouldn't be feeling like this about something that was so perfect. I can sit in this seat for another year regretting how I treated you, regretting that I let you treat me like this, I could spend another year trying to be best mates with you, making you the 'Most Trustworthy' again or whatever, or maybe I could just accept it… and be happy in doing so.

It's like I had this mentality that the teenaged Ryan had to end with the girl that he adored and the mates that he loved dearly or like I had to maintain the control I had over the people I socialised with, it doesn't, I will make sure that my teenage years only end in present and future and those two of three things should be all that is in mind the moment I turn eighteen, simple. Just hop on a boat and go with the tide, enough of this 'what if' bullshit, if it happens, it happens, it maybe a small group but I have great buddies now, a HSC ahead, and who knows, in a years time I may one day be on that bus going to Merrylands, sitting in the real estate or the gaming store you work at or maybe even at your front step when you open the door, butterflies in my stomach and a bright smile on my face, maybe you might slam the door closed, or maybe we might grab a coffee, probably not as friends but as two people reminiscing on the happiest time of my life so far, and hopefully yours; as time goes on and whatever wounds that still remain to be healed, we may just be sitting at a café face-to-face. I've just have to keep positive and remember that time can heal anything, and like the tortoise in The Tortoise and the Hare fable, slow and steady wins the race.

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