Monday, August 24, 2009

Hung Up

I have some important decisions to make in my life, because what I have lived of it so far has been spent carrying the excess of my past. For a few years, it was one thing after another, like the time that should have been spent thinking things over and speaking up was in fact spent facing my next ordeal. The point is, what had to be said was not said, and the amount of times that I have lost sleep at night over my past is a clear indication that I am not well.

It's like a page of paperwork, and each time I would go to do it, I would get called out to deal with another situation, each of which makes an additional page to accompany that situation, so gradually, ordeal after ordeal, the tedious one page of paperwork accumulates into a pile. So, eventually the block of paper and emery becomes a part of the furniture, just another part of my desk that I choose to accept like a mouse pad or a pen and unlike those items, the pile has no use yet it takes up this chunk of space I could be using more productively, this is much the same with how I’ve dealt with my problems, I’ve let it linger in my brain for so long that it’s become an anchor, and unfortunately it could and has become a great toll on the way I associate with the people that I want to keep around and frightens those that I want around.

So let’s weigh the options of the average person: optimism, memory and unanswered questions will remain; change, a myth; comparing me with those that are much worse-off, who said anything about anybody else here? So, what is left? I mean, getting closure is the only solution that comes to mind. You see, the root of my problem is not that it happened; it's that I let most of the people get away with what they did, and the self-loathing and anger has been building ever since. Does that mean that I make like John Cusack in High Fidelity, make a top five and civilly confront those of my past? I mean getting my questions answered would ultimately wash my hands of ex-whatevers, or will these calls be rejected in fear of actually facing me? Do I have nothing to lose or will it further humiliate me as a result, leaving me even more tempered? Do I risk making this worse than it is? If I messaged you tonight, would I get a reply? Will the emails get a response? If I really put myself out there for the first time in a long while with the people who have alienated me, will the situation be rejected with immaturity or have we all grown up enough to speak without our public word posting?

See, this isn’t some proclamation of depression or tears of solemn unhappiness, I’m not unhappy about who it is I’ve become and what I have learned, however, lonely is what I don’t wish to be but it’s where my hang-ups are leading me. Honestly though, in all seriousness, I truly believe that my only two options at this point (options of an uncommon person) are: an attempt at pocketing whatever closure I can scrape from my plate or forking out the cash that is needed for therapy. Regardless of my final decision, I need to work out my issues, and as a young adult going onto adulthood, I don’t want to spend it thinking about some idiot that would forget that I existed if it wasn’t for our mutual acquaintances; it’s not on.

1 comment:

  1. i feel like i need to comment this...but i really don't know what to say...
    confront them i guess? get as much closure as possible and try to move forward with your life?...i'm pretty sure that's what you were getting at anyway but yeah just...yeah?
    sorry! i don't have me lovely and you have others...

    don't be a sad panda...