Monday, June 28, 2010

My Gut: The Clairvoyant

Having a gut like mine is like having a superpower. If I were going to try and sell it to you, this is what I would say: It may not be big, but don’t let that fool you, it’s smart and it can tell the future. It tells you that bad is going to happen and its one and only user, yours truly, guarantees it to be a hundred percent correct every time, so if you find some other nutter selling a gut as good as this one, I’ll give your money back.

It's really that simple. Whenever I've been dumped; whenever I've gone out and the night turned sour; whenever I enter a relationship with someone and it has ended with me wishing that they were dead, there was always a very small part of me that knew it long before my brain chose to, and it was my gut. I am not just talking about a few hours here, any half-witted inkling can predict that far ahead, especially if some sort of party event is beginning to die down, I am talking anywhere up to a week here; it’s amazing.

Here's the kicker: when it comes down to making decisions, especially ones regarding my social life, I am a total moron, and for a good gut to be of use, you need someone who is willing to listen to it, that person is not me. I know that if, say, one day I did end up losing my mind, I would be the last person I’d be selling it to (like all the cool-kids are doing nowadays), whoever it is that gave me my gut - a god, planet Krypton or whoever – is obviously some sort of numbskull. The fact that I never listen to it is one of the reasons why I know how good it is; I would have no clue about its abilities if I didn’t completely exclude it in my decision-making.

So, that’s my gut for you. He’s what makes me the guy that always says ‘I knew this would happen’ or ‘Man, I knew that she was going to be a complete dud’ or even, ‘Fuck! I knew someone was going to show up with a gun’. So, the day where I learn to listen to my gut will be the day that I’ll be the most powerful man alive! ...okay, scratch ‘powerful’…and okay fine, I’m still rather boyish too.

Friday, June 18, 2010


I'm a self-confessed stall-man. You see, when it comes down to men’s rooms, my penis isn’t very social with other penises. He likes the cubicle. In the land of non-female genitalia, my johnson embraces isolation. In the party of the bathrooms, my junk is that antisocial dude who would rather be elsewhere, and shows it by sitting in the other room glued to a computer screen or his phone.

I’ve found that the urinal is a dangerous place if you intend on looking down at any point. "Hey, what’s that on my shoe? AHH, PENIS!" In fact, when I actually do find myself in a public bathroom draining the main vein, I often avert my eyes to such an extent that I end up casually admiring the ceiling. I once had a conversation on the urinal (yeah!) that was based on why I was looking up. Now granted, I wasn’t very lucid, and come to think of it, I don’t think he was either, but this is one of the many reasons that I need a little partition when I am urinating.

As a stall-man, I’ve never wanted to make it known that I am a stall-man, either. I’m not macho or anything, but being a stall-man is a little emasculating, it’s a little like if you were to get caught rocking-out to Pink or be seen gripping your seat in that scene when the kid runs to the top of the Empire State Building in Sleepless in Seattle. My point is, that I see so many guys using the urinal that I can clearly see are only using it out of sheer desperation because all the cubicles are engaged. It’s always obvious - these guys are never quite centred, they're often hunched over looking down like they’re gear is prone to misplacement and are sometimes so obvious that they angle themselves away from the common area of the bathroom, but not me; I’m not saying that I have anything that would inspire awe, but I make sure that my whole body language at the urinal screams a male so blasé that he was made to use it. So, my question is, why make it obvious? Looking like you are doing a thorough inspection of the urinal that you’re using at the time is like wearing a sign that says that you enjoy watching The Princess Bride.

Sometimes the state of the urinal plays a part in my preferences too. The best urinal I have ever attended was one in Harbourside Shopping Centre in Sydney Harbour. It was a trough-urinal as opposed to a row of individual ones, which would usually be a deal-breaker, however, it wasn’t one of those horrible looking tin things, instead it was some sort of marble, matching the entire decor of the bathroom too, so matching, in fact, that it seemed as if I was just hosing down the wall; I loved it. I also enjoy the strategically-placed urinal-advertisements, as well. There's nothing like reading quick facts about the clap, weak-streams, premature ejaculation and gastro-issues while you have your wang out.

So the next time you’re out and nature calls - hold your head up high, line yourself up like you’re about to land an aircraft and sell it like having your family-jewels out is a good thing…even though it may not feel like it.

‘Penis’ euphemism counter: 7

Saturday, June 5, 2010

Deli (No) Choices

I’m going to have to say that the current prices at fast food outlets are our own fault. Let’s face it, fast food is too over-priced for what it is, especially McDonalds, and why is that, because Australia, and, from what I assume, the rest of the world who followed, is full of moron consumers, that’s why. Let me tell you a little story: Meet Bob. Bob’s dictionaries do not have the words ‘fast’ or ‘food’ in them, nor do they have a combination of the two. Bob isn’t a person - he is the epitome of every silly Australian that are to blame for the twelve dollar (AU$12) McDonalds meals you can buy today. It all started back in 2004 when Bob ate Subway for the first time as he watched Super Size Me. To his surprise, primarily due to his lacking brain activity, he then realised that the food he’d been enjoying at McDonalds for over thirty years was, for lack of a better word, shit, so he got up on his soapbox that is our national news, took one deep breath and screamed so loud that McDonalds in Australia were doomed. Unless the McDonalds Corporation became less of what they are, a fast food chain, and more like Subway, Bob wasn’t going to spend money at McDonalds anymore, spelling Ronald’s doom in this stupid, stupid country of ours – so they started Deli Choices, and thus initiating the cogs that made McDonalds go from selling great inexpensive fast food across the globe to selling restaurant-quality food at a price that only gives me the incentive I need to go to a place that still serves actual fast food.

I would sum up fast food as the two dollar shop of food. A quick Google search of the term ‘fast food’ will show you show you the following terms at least once in a single page: inexpensive, served quickly, low quality, low value, pre-prepared, junk food; you get the picture. This is where I'm confused, it took me a few seconds to type the search term, a quarter of a second for it to be processed and then a few more seconds to notice that those words were prevalent in the dictionary results, the point I am trying to make is, in 2004, how the hell did Australians completely miss what the definition of it was when it is only so many seconds away? I do realise that in the grand-scheme of the food business that fast food is probably near the bottom, but seriously, are we idiots? Or was this whole health thing just the grudge-burdened malnourished-brainchild of those that had really been eating it since the seventies? That would be understandable. The thing is that fast food is fast food, and, with the exception of sneaky marketing tricks, McDonalds never presented themselves as anything more than just fast food, just the same as Burger King or KFC, so why is the definition of fast food too complex for us to understand? The Americans can still at least faintly draw the line that divides fast food from good food, so why can’t we? We now just have this hybrid restaurant that just does business under the name of McDonalds, but it isn’t McDonalds, it may sell a Big Mac but that isn’t the same Big Mac which was sold six years ago; it is just a fast food outlet crossed with a fast food outlet that’s trying to be a restaurant, now. I just think that it’s ridiculous that once upon a time, everything at McDonalds was the price that today’s McValue Meals are, and now, in the comfort of an Italian restaurant, I could spend around five dollars (AU$5) more than I would on a large Chicken Bacon Deluxe meal and get a more than decent, chef-cooked pasta , better yet, it’s even hard to conceive that I could go down to any local RSL or sports club and buy a dish for less than that.

McDonalds is now a byproduct of an obvious health issue that was blown out of proportion by a bunch of people that are unable to see fast food for what it is and who think that we are too ill-equipped to make our own decisions on what we will and won’t consume. So what’s next? Will candy stores begin getting bad press for not selling healthy-candy and salads? Will desert restaurants get grilled for basically selling sugar as a menu item? By the rationale of a page titled “Food Quality” on a fast food corporation’s website, those two statements aren’t an exaggeration. So now, thanks to that same bunch of people, I will always have a quandary when looking to eat while I'm out: fast food or an actual restaurant? You see, when I want fast food, I’ll go to a fast food place, but if I wanted one hundred percent Australian Angus beef, Ingham chicken, Dairy Farmers milk, Arabica coffee, or any other expensive quality ingredient, I’d make my own decision and go to a restaurant.