Monday, June 28, 2010

My Gut: The Clairvoyant

Having a gut like mine is like having a superpower. If I were going to try and sell it to you, this is what I would say: It may not be big, but don’t let that fool you, it’s smart and it can tell the future. It tells you that bad is going to happen and its one and only user, yours truly, guarantees it to be a hundred percent correct every time, so if you find some other nutter selling a gut as good as this one, I’ll give your money back.

It's really that simple. Whenever I've been dumped; whenever I've gone out and the night turned sour; whenever I enter a relationship with someone and it has ended with me wishing that they were dead, there was always a very small part of me that knew it long before my brain chose to, and it was my gut. I am not just talking about a few hours here, any half-witted inkling can predict that far ahead, especially if some sort of party event is beginning to die down, I am talking anywhere up to a week here; it’s amazing.

Here's the kicker: when it comes down to making decisions, especially ones regarding my social life, I am a total moron, and for a good gut to be of use, you need someone who is willing to listen to it, that person is not me. I know that if, say, one day I did end up losing my mind, I would be the last person I’d be selling it to (like all the cool-kids are doing nowadays), whoever it is that gave me my gut - a god, planet Krypton or whoever – is obviously some sort of numbskull. The fact that I never listen to it is one of the reasons why I know how good it is; I would have no clue about its abilities if I didn’t completely exclude it in my decision-making.

So, that’s my gut for you. He’s what makes me the guy that always says ‘I knew this would happen’ or ‘Man, I knew that she was going to be a complete dud’ or even, ‘Fuck! I knew someone was going to show up with a gun’. So, the day where I learn to listen to my gut will be the day that I’ll be the most powerful man alive! ...okay, scratch ‘powerful’…and okay fine, I’m still rather boyish too.

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