Friday, June 18, 2010


I'm a self-confessed stall-man. You see, when it comes down to men’s rooms, my penis isn’t very social with other penises. He likes the cubicle. In the land of non-female genitalia, my johnson embraces isolation. In the party of the bathrooms, my junk is that antisocial dude who would rather be elsewhere, and shows it by sitting in the other room glued to a computer screen or his phone.

I’ve found that the urinal is a dangerous place if you intend on looking down at any point. "Hey, what’s that on my shoe? AHH, PENIS!" In fact, when I actually do find myself in a public bathroom draining the main vein, I often avert my eyes to such an extent that I end up casually admiring the ceiling. I once had a conversation on the urinal (yeah!) that was based on why I was looking up. Now granted, I wasn’t very lucid, and come to think of it, I don’t think he was either, but this is one of the many reasons that I need a little partition when I am urinating.

As a stall-man, I’ve never wanted to make it known that I am a stall-man, either. I’m not macho or anything, but being a stall-man is a little emasculating, it’s a little like if you were to get caught rocking-out to Pink or be seen gripping your seat in that scene when the kid runs to the top of the Empire State Building in Sleepless in Seattle. My point is, that I see so many guys using the urinal that I can clearly see are only using it out of sheer desperation because all the cubicles are engaged. It’s always obvious - these guys are never quite centred, they're often hunched over looking down like they’re gear is prone to misplacement and are sometimes so obvious that they angle themselves away from the common area of the bathroom, but not me; I’m not saying that I have anything that would inspire awe, but I make sure that my whole body language at the urinal screams a male so blasé that he was made to use it. So, my question is, why make it obvious? Looking like you are doing a thorough inspection of the urinal that you’re using at the time is like wearing a sign that says that you enjoy watching The Princess Bride.

Sometimes the state of the urinal plays a part in my preferences too. The best urinal I have ever attended was one in Harbourside Shopping Centre in Sydney Harbour. It was a trough-urinal as opposed to a row of individual ones, which would usually be a deal-breaker, however, it wasn’t one of those horrible looking tin things, instead it was some sort of marble, matching the entire decor of the bathroom too, so matching, in fact, that it seemed as if I was just hosing down the wall; I loved it. I also enjoy the strategically-placed urinal-advertisements, as well. There's nothing like reading quick facts about the clap, weak-streams, premature ejaculation and gastro-issues while you have your wang out.

So the next time you’re out and nature calls - hold your head up high, line yourself up like you’re about to land an aircraft and sell it like having your family-jewels out is a good thing…even though it may not feel like it.

‘Penis’ euphemism counter: 7

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