Sunday, October 31, 2010

Lock Up Your Females!

I used to think that females were the only gender with the psychological-labyrinth inside their heads, with their all too common body-issues and such, but I’ve realised that us guys are just as bad with our macho-jealousy routine. When it comes to boyfriends and their girlfriend's male friends, the very thought of such a thing turns even the Joseph-Gordon Levitts out there into psychopaths. You start to deal with such a profound strand of testosterone-induced neurosis that nothing can convince the person that some guy isn’t about to come crashing through the glass-ceiling, just like Batman often does before he swoops in to snatch the damsel away from the villain; in this case, the villain being the boyfriend. In all seriousness, though, I am growing a little sick and tired of the whole thing. Jealousy is a human thing, but the male testosterone must really aggravate that electrical wave in our brains that says 'Well, they just hugged, that’s what friends do.' making it say ‘Well! They just hugged, that means that they are having sex! Case closed.’.

So, what it comes down to is a decision for the girl: do you stay or do you go? The tough ones will most likely go, but if they do stay, they do the right thing and not put up with the ridiculousness of sacrificing friendship for some tool on his man-period. The softer ones, which account for most of them, stay, leading themselves down a path of constant argument until every friend-bridge with the opposite sex has long-since burned, and only then do they finally realise that the towel should’ve been thrown in ages ago.

The reason why it sounds as if I am talking like I'm not one of these idiot guys is simple, it’s because I’m not. I don’t say this for sympathy or whatever, but I’m a guy who has been through a litany of horrible relationships with people who have either lost interest or cheated, one of which did so with my best friend, yet I still don’t carry on like a child whenever one of my girlfriend's friends just happen to have a pair of testicles. Never have I told my girlfriend that she cannot speak to someone because they’re male and they might fancy them; never have I monitored my girlfriend’s web activity, tallying up in my head how many times a certain guy leaves a comment; never have I been that jealous that I've had difficulty in trying to cloak it; and yet, lo and behold, I either see or hear about some new conflict every week. That isn’t a relationship; that’s a dictatorship!

My hypothesis: low-confidence is the bastard at play here; it has nothing to do with me or the guy getting the third-degree for maintaining a friendship. When a boyfriend starts acting up, it’s his own issues that are messing with him. Low self-confidence inspires thorough self-assessment, which focuses on two areas: the first being his own dwindling self-image of how he has been as a person and, more importantly, as a partner, and secondly, his lack of trust in his partner. In simple terms, their behaviour regarding friendship with the opposing gender is a clear reflection of how self-assured they are in terms of the strength of their union. Now, just a tip to any boyfriend I have had any issues with - you know who you are - because you are so weak with worry yet enraged with male hormone, you may not realise it yourself, but i know the general equation – it is: if I am the victim, it means that you've been a terrible boyfriend.

Let me just finish up by saying that with every catastrophe in my romantic past, I don't go after other people's girlfriends...I just don't - gospel. I admit, once or twice I have foolishly tried to play like Batman, rescuing the damsel from some jackass-abusive boyfriend, I also got my nose caught up in a rough break-up once, but I certainly wouldn’t like somebody testing the waters with my girlfriend, so why would I with someone else's, that wouldn't make any sense. On top of that, destroying other people's relationships really isn't something that would look any good on my social-resume. So, next time I cast your girlfriend in a film-project that I am involved in, the next time I comment on your girlfriend's profile a few times, and you begin to feel that twitch in your bicep that you just know is a sign of something else in motion and you feel that inclination to walk yourself into my home uninvited or whatever, here’s a healthy tip, sane-male to insane-male: stop wasting your time being wrong about me and focus a little harder on your fucking girlfriend, you silly fools!

Vicious-circle, guys.

Monday, October 4, 2010

'Be Faithful': The Summary

In order, this is Fatman Scoop’s ‘Be Faithful’ summarised into point-form:
  • If I have a $5, $2 or $1 note, I may not put my hands up.
  • Fatman Scoop has selective-hearing.
  • Some screaming about oral sex without anybody really knowing it's about oral sex.
  • Faith Evans was previously unaware of a love like this.
  • Ugly females are not allowed to sing-along to Faith Evans.
  • Fatman Scoop has an interest in astrology.
  • I should watch where I’m walking.
  •  If you have long hair, you should put your hands up.
  • If you have short hair, you should make noise.
  • Fatman Scoop has no objections to hair weaves.
  • His black friends that like doggy-style intercourse and wish to have it casually have trouble letting him finish his questions.
  • Fatman Scoop’s hip hop friend from Black Sheep thinks that because he says it three times, that we can lift trains that weigh several tons.
  • Fatman Scoop would like the names of those who will be having sexual intercourse tonight.
  • You should stop playing but keep moving, simultaneously.
  • Females should sing-along, then males, and repeat a few times.
  • Fatman Scoop is visually-impaired.
  • If you’re a girlfriend, it’s your birthday.
  • This song has nothing to do with being faithful.

    That is all from me.