Doll-Headed People!

Australia’s first child pageant is on and has been since earlier today, so if you need me, you can find me in my room with the lights off, rocking back and forth in the foetal position until this shit is over. Normally I am a major supporter of just about anything that aggravates the prudish hoi polloi that resides in this country, from something an uneducated radio presenter has said to biblical-blowjobs in Californication, by all means, if it’s pissing someone off, keep doing it, but I’m going to have to go with the prudes on this one – child beauty pageants are fucking creepy!

Yes; not just creepy, fucking creepy.

Like a clown to a coulrophobic, you can pretty much say that I have another fear to add to the emotional line-up. When I see images of the pageants, even if it’s just of one contestant for a few seconds, my stomach churns. I get the same feeling I get when I watch a poorly adultised sitcom with a child actor in the cast or Willow Smith in the ‘Whip My Hair’ music video – the aura of paedophilia. I feel like I’ve typed the wrong thing into Google Images and I need to hit the back button quick before someone sees (or before I throw up), but there’s never a back button…because it’s on the television…or on the magazine I just happened to open. I feel like I’m being forced one step closer to selling child porn and the cops are about to beat down my door with M16s to tear out the hard-drive from my computer so they can indict me. It’s wrong. It also plays on the fact that it would really freak me out if someone walked around with a doll’s head instead of their own, which is basically what these girls are doing. I don’t know about you but I’m not into the whole doll-headed thing; that sounds horrible…I’m also not into kids, just for the record.

Originally, I had a plethora of clever and degrading ways to describe pageant-parents which I was more than keen to share with you, like ‘child abusers’, ‘wacked bitchezz’ (okay, maybe not so clever), but I don’t see any point in saying what a number blog search results can already tell you. All you need to know here is that child beauty pageants have haunted me since I was old enough to get the gist of the nightly news reports and now the doll-headed people are in Australia and frankly, being in Australia isn’t the country’s biggest fish to fry, in my opinion, so I don’t mind too much, that said, I’m real, real scared. But hey! Big ups for the paedophiles in this country, congratulations, guys! I know that when news broke, earlier this year, they all jizzed simultaneously, but for me, these kid’s glowing, little, pouty smiles makes this smiley-guy less of a smiley and more of a trembling blank-lipped dude trying to pretend that there isn’t a five year old in a bikini on his screen.