Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Kids are Dipshits

Cats are awesome. When I get married, I'm adopting...a cat. They clean themselves. They don't need clothing, schooling or a great deal of food. The males fuck around, but that's okay; they're animals, that's what animals do. It will never call me to bail it out of prison and rarely will it have me up at all hours of the night worrying. Plus, they'll keep the birds from shitting all over the car, not to mention, the mummies from haunting the household. Why the hell would you want a kid? I'm never having kids; I'm having cats, damn it!

People often have a fear of commitment; I have a fear of having a kid that I can't in good conscience drown in the bath tub. Fuck kids! It's a jungle out there and kids are dipshits. Why the hell would I want to be a parent? So I can be up at all hours of the night wondering if my daughter is out doing a re-enactment of ‘George of the Jungle’, but with cock? What kind of parent would I even be? The last thing I'd want is to be the corseted helicopter type parent who runs there household the same way the Chinese run their country, but on the other hand, in this day and age, not being one of those parents could actually been seen as negligent. Boys live with their dicks in their hands; most young girls are living with them between their legs, not because of will but out of some clever male trickery. God forbid, if I have a girl, under ‘name’ on her birth certificate will read 'Touch My Daughter And You Die Quinn'. Carved on the inside of my son's door will be 'If you're penis is out while there's a chick in here and she's not your girlfriend, you might die; if she's somebody else's, then I'll frame you for your sister's boyfriend's murder.'

f0072_ORIG-NakedGunfullbodycondomIn all seriousness though, I'm living my whole life in a comically-large condom, like the ones in the love scene in ‘The Naked Gun’, because honest to god, there's no telling what I'd do if I had kids. Bringing life into this world is no doubt a wonderful thing, but from watching girls and boys my age living in a world built on penises, vaginas and drugs; having any rug-rats of my own sounds like an act of self-harm.

The thought of a daughter of mine going to clubs half-naked, being offered drinks and drugs and, more importantly, being in the cross-hairs of the male population scares the hell out of me. Is this the Saturday night her drink gets spiked? Has she tried pot yet? Why does she have so many guy friends? The constant questions and the constant worry would be enough to drive you insane. My only hope is that either she is so ugly that she'll be disillusioned to sex and die a virgin or she meets a good guy to date before she leaves school. And I don't use 'good guy' loosely - I mean somebody I've met multiple times, whose parents I've met and broken bread with, whose house I've been in, who I've had a conversation with, and then from here I'll be able to judge whether the girl has struck gold or cum. Dating a nice guy would mean half of the worrying would be removed from my job. Let’s not dance around it, though, the odds of her beginning a long-term relationship in school, let alone, a wholesome one, is slim, but fingers crossed for my, hopefully, hideous future daughter.

That brings me to if I had a boy. If I found out that my son was walking around with his tongue half out and his brain in his dick like some arsehole, I'd thump him. I want other parents to look at him and see that same good guy that I'd like my own daughter to be with; someone who isn't solely interested in depositing as much spunk into the world as humanly possible. If I was the parent of some of the boys I've met over the years, their shit would be on the lawn! I want my household to be one of substance and good values and I won't accept anybody to act like Shane Warne while baring my surname.

Even though I consider myself to be that 'good guy', when you look at it from this perspective, it's a little hard to blame parents for being draconian with their teenagers. I'll repeat it again - kids are dumb; they have no clue what they're doing. I really empathise with parents these days, mostly because the thought of being one myself is already spine-chilling, and I'm not planning on having children for another decade. That's why I want a cat, because cats can’t end up on the show ’16 and Pregnant’.

1 comment:

  1. ...or teen mum...its a very thrilling show...truly...sarcasm