Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Bullshit Certificate

Doctor’s certificate? More like bullshit certificate, am I right? There seems to be a policy circulating among the boss-people and teachers out there which stipulates that if you are away sick, you need to prove that you were in fact sick by getting what is commonly referred to as a doctor’s certificate, and each time I think back on the times I’ve ever been asked for one, I laugh so hard that I drop the cocked and loaded gun I was about to kill myself with! News flash: doctor’s certificates mean as much as toilet paper does post-flush and anybody who has convinced themselves any different is a fucking idiot, and here’s why.

First and foremost, I don’t know what fairy tale-utopia that some of my superiors have been living in, but in the reality that I live, doctors give these pieces of paper out like candy! Won’t give me a fucking jellybean, but these ‘legal’ documents are a cakewalk to get. And it’s gotten worse too, in fact, whenever I’ve gone lately, the GP is practically already writing the thing before I walk in the door. They’re always asking me ‘do you need a doctor’s note? Do you need one?’ I’m not just talking about the usual runny-nose shit either, I’ve been there for stomach-aches and migraines, all of which are essentially my word against the doctors, and yet they still offer the certification like they can really tell or something. I swear I could get one for a fucking paper-cut!

On another note (one that does actually mean something), let me ask you a question, when was the last time a doctor denied you a prescription? Scratch that, how many times in your life have you gone in with a bit of a blocked nose and not walked out with a piece of paper entitling you to medicine? Once? Twice? I tell you what doctors are, they’re front-of-house salespeople; they’re drug-pushers. There are drug company representatives who hop from doctor’s office to doctor’s office whispering incentives in your GP’s ear to sell more of their particular drug. It’s called big-pharmaceutical; some would liken it to big-tobacco. The next time you visit your doctor, take a look at their post-it note pad, the pen they write your dumb note with or whatever else and I’m sure you’ll find the logos of whoever has been doing the whispering in your own doctor’s ear. So, if doctor’s are willing to prescribe you drugs that you don’t particularly need so that they have a little extra to spend on that family vacation, something that walks a very grey area between legal and illegal, then tell me why the fuck they would concern themselves with the legitimacy of some stupid note that nobody will ever look twice at? The magic-word is ‘perspective’.

Secondly, has it ever occurred to anybody that if I was well enough to get out of bed, onto a bus, wait an hour for a doctor, get the certificate and then back on a bus home, then why the fuck didn’t I just go into work to begin with? This is the part that addles me. What am I proving to an employer by getting this certificate, that, since I was able to get the proof that I am as sick as I said I was, that I’m not really as sick as I said I was? Or how about proof that I didn’t get the rest I needed that day trying to get the thing and now I’ll need another day off? Really, it just presents this notion to me that if I work for you or if I attend your school and I don’t live next door to a doctor, then I should fuck off. To make matters worse, just before you start thinking that these pieces of paper are like the no-holds barred MTV beach-house of paper, they do have one rule: the doctor actually has to see you before you can get one, so it’s not like you can just get your mother to go pick it up for you. I don’t know what they want us to do, get the jellybean-man to make a house-call? Yeah, alright, then I’ll just go polish my Bentley I have parked in the driveway.

I’ve also never appreciated the obligation where I no longer have a choice in whether or not I want to visit the doctor. Another news flash: not everybody is a hypochondriac. People usually don’t have to visit the doctor every time they get a funny feeling in their bodies, so don’t bat an eyelid whenever you come across one of them. But, no, thanks to a broken-belief in this, uh…groundless convention, I have no choice anymore…and I don’t even live in China.

Finally, I don’t know how it all sounds to you, but to me it screams ‘forfeit your privacy or say goodbye to whatever it is you do here’. Please, I’m not a moron, so let’s not assume that just because you’re my superior that it gives you the right to request intimate details; you don’t need to know what I’m doing and where I’m doing it, all the time. To people like me, the flu and a sore leg, I couldn’t give a rats ass who knows about those things, but say something happens that is intimate: dog bites my penis or I fall arse-first onto something thin and pointy, no, that’s the sort of stuff I don’t want others knowing, but, depending on how vague my doctor is, my teachers and my bosses have to know about it…apparently. They might as well just get rid of the notes altogether and start making the doctors surgeries out of glass so that everybody can see everything, how does that sound?

On a similar yet more serious note, what about mental illness? In most cases, you don’t have to tell your employer if you’re a sufferer unless you want to become a cop or shoot in the Olympics, but have an emotional meltdown the night before work and you’re just not feelin’ it for your shift anymore, well apparently now you have to hand somebody a piece of paper breaking the news to them, all because you took a day off. Whether or not a mental physician will definitely go into detail, I wouldn’t know, but regardless of the description, I think just getting a doctor’s note from that sort of specialist, or any specialist for that matter (ever heard of a proctologist?), will paint a good enough picture for somebody, especially if whatever happened was enough for you to take the day off.

Seriously, I must’ve lost one of the puzzle-pieces under the bed again or something, because something’s missing here. I mean, don’t people in the managerial or educational profession ever get sick and go to the doctors? Do they really have no idea how unequivocally difficult it is for somebody to travel a distance to a doctor when they’re unwell and how incredibly simple a doctor’s note is to obtain once if you get there? Yeah, I’m sure they were used appropriately to begin with, but with no formal policing in place or any standardisation at all, we have gotten to a place where there are a litany of different formats and rules out there which each practitioner dictates independently. Here’s a nugget of advice, stop thinking of them as certification from a trained professional and just treat them as a bit of writing from some person with poor penmanship. The only thing a doctor’s certificate can prove is that the person whom requested it has next to no common sense.

And some of these people called themselves my teacher, unbelievable!

No comments:

Post a Comment