Tuesday, July 31, 2012

I Can Play Too

I’m generally a needy person. However, where once I would let my neediness show through as a younger naïve person, I’ve now learnt how to control it to the point where people don’t notice, ya’ know, for the good of humanity, a fine product of my growth and self-awareness. Although, with that same control, I’ve also figured out a way to channel it for evil.

Like us on Facebook...or dieCase and point, a couple of years ago, a friend of a friend whom I’d made a favourable impression on added me on the Facebook. All signs were pointing toward the fact that she was into me, with her adding me, the conversation, the attention she was handing over on a platter, so I decided to ask her out on a day-date – nothing special, just a casual day in the city so that I can show her some of the cool places I know, enough of them to seem cultured and knowledgeable. When the day came though, in my mind, the date was pretty much over before we even got to the city. Firstly, she showed up in a dress and ripped stockings. A petty point, I know, but frankly, she looked like a rape victim. It didn’t make any sense; if she was interested in me then it wouldn’t have been hard for her to run to the shop to get a new pair or to not wear any at all. Ultimately, I took it as a sign that if she didn’t care enough to not look terrible on our first date - a day where the mould is set, then in her mind the date was already iron-clad in friendship. Secondly, as if she hadn’t already left a bad taste in my mouth, on the train-ride over, she did the whole ‘disclose way too much about deep-seeded personal shit’ thing, which in my experience is a sure-sign of crazy. I don’t remember the exact details of the story, but I felt like I’d stepped on an insane-mine and my limbs were just flying everywhere while she was telling it. It was something about making a fake chat account and tricking this guy she knew for quite a while into thinking she was somebody else so that she could…I can’t remember, gain his trust and kill him? Needless to say, by the time we got there, I was already pretty disheartened about the whole thing.

However, one of the things that came up during the date was this new shopping centre they’d just finished building in her area. She went into how beautiful it is with its open design and its inclusion of flora and fauna, and that’s where she added that she should take me to go see it some time. I was blown away, because before this point, I wasn’t even considering speaking to this girl ever again and I thought that she was on the same page, but being as gorgeous as she was and the fact that she was the one who segued the conversation to a second date, I figured I didn’t have anything to lose…but how wrong was I.

Not only did she not get back to me on that, but the following few weeks were nothing but a series of unanswered messages and a string of dumb excuses. In the times that she did actually reply, she would say that she was busy but not offer up any alternative days where she would be free, nor did she ever get back to me later. The whole situation was just so frustrating, because not only did the tables somehow turn from her pursuing me to me pursuing her, but she was the one that had conceived the entire idea of a second date with absolutely no coaxing from me whatsoever. Basically, with this dumb game she was playing, she was fucking me when I didn’t even want to fuck her!

Right, so let’s get one thing straight, I’m not an idiot. I don’t subscribe to the idea that everybody enjoys my company and because of that, I have a pretty keen eye for when it’s the case that they don’t. With this bitch, I knew a few days in that she was trying to get rid of me. Her master scheme was to ignore me until I got the picture and stopped trying. The part that burns me the most is the insult on my intelligence. I don’t like being tricked and, more importantly, I don’t like people thinking that they’ve tricked me, so if me giving up meant her thinking that she’s succeeded in doing just that…then I wasn’t going to fucking give up. It became a game of spite.

I smashed open the neediness that I’d been bottling up for years and suddenly I was sending a text every few days, calling with my ID enabled a few times weekly, chatting with her whenever she came up as online on Facebook, I even opened up a few opportunities for her to tap out of this game that she’d thrown me into, but she wouldn’t blink. That’s the Charles Chaplin version of my technological-assault anyway. It basically ended with me cursing at her on the phone and then her hanging up on me.

The moral of this story, I guess, is fuck my feelings. I’m a big boy, I can handle it. I always here girls say ‘oooh, ahhh, I don’t want to hurt him’, and that bullshit sentiment would have a little more resonance with me if it weren’t so self-fulfilling, causing more hurt and frustration that it initially seeks to avoid. I’m no clairvoyant, so I can’t exactly tell what the problem is, but make no mistake, I know when there’s a problem, and somebody has one with me now which they’re keeping to themselves. So, a friendly message to that person and anybody else who plans to waste my time: if you don’t like my company, then man the fuck up and tell me the truth from the outset, because you won’t like the mess that I’ll create.

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