Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Mr. Sandman, Bring Me a Gun

Here are some percentages:
22%
0%
3%
14%
19%
10%

That’s just me going down the list of Adam Sandler films from the last three years on Rotten Tomatoes. Comparatively, this isn’t a big drop from his earlier works as he is very seldom critically-successful, but zero percent is a record-low for him, and it’s all indicative of the downslide that has become his career. What I haven’t been able to work out for some time now is why it seems like he is deliberately taunting us with shit movies?

I cannot watch Happy Gilmore anymore without ruining it with my own inner-conflict that tries making sense of anything that came out after Zohan. There are directors and actors who genuinely struggle with topping their own debut hits by coming out with admirable-attempts that just aren’t as good, and then there is Sandler - a man who seems to be endeavouring to star in, produce and/or write films just so that they can be critically-annihilated.

In 2006, I spent two hours stifling-vomit during a showing of Click, and every film (bar Funny People, arguably) in which his name is attached since then has pretty much been, only slightly, up to par with his very first movie, Going Overboard. The only discernible-difference I can see is that these new ones have bigger stars, a better crew, huge budgets and, by some miracle, are making tens of millions. For anybody who hasn’t seen Going Overboardand why would you – it has the laugh-factor of a urinal-cake.

My Photoshop job is better than Jack and Jill ten-fold

To me, it’s almost like Sandler wants to spend his latter-years churning out self-parodies of his former-years. It’s all very reminiscent of Eddie Murphy and his rash of nothing but horrible movies – I’m sorry, can’t use the word ‘movie’ anymore – …horrible things where he would just star as half the cast. It’s the same behaviour as Sandler, shitting all over his former-days of Raw and the Beverly Hills Cop films. I don’t get it.

This year’s latest hour and a half Happy Madison thing, which was basically Little Nicky with a beer in his hand, made US$47 million worldwide. Popcorn, frozen-cokes, choc-tops, M&Ms…stop me when I mention the reason why you’d go spend money on a post-Click Happy Madison thing, because it can’t be for the actual movie, can it? How could it be? When Happy Gilmore grosses US$41.2 million, how does...that thing make more money, let alone any money at all?

Somewhere between 2005 and 2007, I think that Adam Sandler was trying to see how dumb we all are by testing the waters, and now that he’s more than confident that we’re fucking retarded, he’s taunting us with it! That’s not a joke, it’s a serious theory; you don’t make Jack and Jill and expect it not to bomb. From the Sandler shit-list, I have seen three at the cinema and each of those sessions just felt like an elaborate practical-joke to me. I was convinced that Sandler and Rob Schneider were inside the fire-exit waiting for the perfect moment to burst into the cinema, pointing and laughing at all of us because they just stole millions of our dollars for what is essentially a steaming pile of shit.

I mean, we’d pay for a rotten banana-peel if it had his name on it.

From here on in, I’m pleading ignorance to even the existence of Adam Sandler. He’s dead to me, and so is his production company. Start putting Allen Covert as the lead and I may reconsider, but until then, these ‘movie’ things don’t even deserve my time, the same way that Happy Gilmore 2 won’t even deserve my acknowledgement.

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