Thursday, January 31, 2013

Christmas Spirit (Clause 29.6)

Last few weeks, I’ve been reflecting on my adventures over Christmas, and is it just me or does being around work during the Christmas season make you feel a little like a hooker? It's all 'hey, I know we've only ever conversed professionally, but since it's Christmas and, you know, we pay you, can you eat with me and buy me a gift.' Ugh! There are two flavours of Christmas spirit: the real and the fake. I like the taste of the real, but unfortunately workplaces only tend to serve the fake, and it tastes like shit!

My first job had a ripe staff of forty, but we weren’t so much staff as we were family, and all year round, no matter the season, the workplace kept up this family attitude. Any birthday or departure was just another way of announcing a party or some sort of social gathering either out somewhere or in the store after close. So come December, Christmas celebrations just felt...natural. Now here I am, four workplaces later and I'm yet to find another family environment like that first one. Instead, now there are people on the roster I never see because nobody ever organises anything and some are just segregated.

And that's all fine to me; some workplaces are just structured that way, especially the one I'm working in now, but you can't have your cake and eat it too. All I ask in return is that when December rolls around, please, please, please don't expect me to be excited when I'm required to pretend for two weeks that the workplace is a family environment when really it's just a big lie, especially when, for the preceding eleven months, everybody has walked around like social moths.

Christmas parties, Christmas Eve lunches and Secret Santa, yuck, yuck, yuck! Those things are certainly nice, no argument about that, but for what reason are they organised by management? Is it because they want to or because they feel obliged to? If you genuinely want to, then why for eleven months do zero social functions get organised? Where at the first job everything felt like it was just the customary swing of things to celebrate Christmas - an encouraged swing I might add - at these workplaces it all just feels a little forced and tacked on to me. That's the catalyst behind any eye-rolling that comes from me during Christmas. 'Well since it's Christmas, I'll break some bread with you this time, but after that, just…no'.

I love giving, but I just love not being a pawn in other people's denial more.

To build an attitude where it's all work and no play, keep business and pleasure separate, but then for a couple of weeks its nothing but out of the ordinary social outings and presents...yuck! It's all sex and no foreplay with these workplaces and I hate it. It's totally Jason Alexander and not at all Richard Gere.

Saturday, January 12, 2013

Appetite for Destruction

So we already had the Run-D.M.C. fiasco and that was just horrible. Not only were people wearing Run-D.M.C. t shirts who probably thought that ‘DMC’ is a line of Adidas sport-wear, but they were even buying shirts that used the logo design, but said something else, once again, most likely without knowing that it was a play on the Run-D.M.C. logo. Well, without having time to recover from that one, which unfortunately isn’t exactly over, now we have a new fiasco: the Guns N’ Roses fiasco.

Like me...pleaseNow, Guns N’ Roses is an American rock band that rose to fame in the mid-80s. Let’s call this ‘exhibit A’. Then there is this grey ladies t-shirt, sometimes a singlet, which has the Guns N’ Roses logo on it. Let’s call this ‘exhibit B’.

Similar to the Run-D.M.C. fiasco, some clever ladies stores have somehow tricked their customers into wearing exhibit B without even being aware of the existence of exhibit A. Now look what we have, a bunch of chicks that look like they're fans of the Nicki Minajs of the world walking around posing as Guns N’ Roses fans. It’s chaos.

Look, I'm not a Guns N’ Roses fan by any means, nor do I know a great deal about them, so this really doesn’t mean as much to me as the Run-D.M.C. thing, but I don’t see why a little thing like that should get in the way of me catching out some morons in the act of being moronic. So for a while now I’ve been boning up on my Guns N’ Roses knowledge. Not too much to waste my time, but enough to at least seem like I'm a fan on the surface...and I'm going to trap 'em!

Kind of like the time that cop expressed to me how much he liked the Orange County Choppers because it was written on the windbreaker I was wearing and I had no clue what he was on about, next time I meet someone or serve someone at work and they're wearing that Guns N’ Roses shirt, I'm getting my fake fan boy pants and my fuckin' net! I'm going to ask them how much they liked Guns N’ Roses' debut album and if they think that the come-back album was shit too and how my uncle and I used to listen to them before he, you know...passed away (insert tears here)...and they gon' be trapped! I've even built up in my head faux-anticipation for their next album. That is of course unless I misjudge them and they are actually fans, then I better watch out I don’t perform what the experts call a ‘self-trap’. Needless to say, I’m dabbling in a dangerous business.

These idiots didn't know what they actually bought themselves when they bought those stupid shirts. A world of destruction!

C'mon!!!!!!! I'm begging you!

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

Kristen Stewart is Actually Good

Ever since the success of the first Twilight film, I’ve heard Kristen Stewart cop more shit about her skillset as an actress than Biff Tannen. Up until recently, aside from Panic Room, I hadn’t really seen her in anything else to form my own opinion. So in a fit of unadulterated curiosity, I decided to knock out most of the titles I found listed on her IMDb page virtually back-to-back, and I’ve got'a say, I have no clue what everybody is on about. Once you dig a little deeper than Twilight and a lot of the other dumb shit people have been tricked into paying for, she’s pretty fucking good, especially when she’s teamed with a good director and a character that consists of more than two dimensions.

So, for those that are interested in actual films, here is a list of the ones I genuinely felt compliment Stewart’s thespianic-talents and prove her abilities as an actress, listed in order of my preference:

  • …hm.


Thanks for reading guys and make sure you leave me something in the coin tin on your way out.