Monday, April 22, 2013


Please don’t laugh at me for this, but I used to think that if something was a certain price and you had the money to pay that price, that was the end of it, you would be able to buy it. Silly me! Now that I am mature enough to know that nothing makes sense and nothing serves to make my life any smoother, I am all too aware of the fact that how much money I am willing to pay has nothing to do with anything! So, here are two places where price, quantity and the money you are willing to hand over have been made one hundred percent mutually exclusive for no other reason but to benefit somebody else’s agenda...and it’s all legal.

Paid Street Parking with Time Limitations
Every time I’m standing at the parking meter about to go on a jolly day out, especially if it’s anywhere near the city, I can almost feel the government’s hands reaching inside of me, pick-pocketing my time, my patience and my bag full of calm. I could’ve said that they’re pick-pocketing my money, but you see I have no problem with paying for parking here in Sydney because I understand why. But why the hell am I paying for parking if it’s still going to have a time limit, that’s my question?

Forgive me, but I thought that the benefit of paying for parking was that you were able to park for as long as you are willing to pay. I thought that time restrictions were only a thing in areas with free parking; how naive of me! I suppose the reason I thought that was because it makes sense to me why free parking is time-limited. You couldn’t just give people carte blanche on free parking otherwise they’ll stay there until there car batteries sulfate. But what doesn’t make sense is if the government are going to make bank every minute my car sits on one of their streets, an exorbitant amount of money mind you, then why not give me the opportunity to stay there for as long as I like? Please tell me what the purpose is of making me run back and forth between my car and whatever fun I could be having every two hours like a mouse in some science experiment just so I can put more money into the meter that I could’ve just put in when I parked? Unless the local council are syndicating with the nearby parking complexes that offer flat day rates, no sense is present here.

Two-for-One One-for-Two
You could pop my ego like a happy birthday balloon, so naturally I don’t like it when people try to trick me. By the same token, I hate knowing that I’m being tricked, because I’d imagine that life would be much easier if I were stupid. Case and point, 7 Eleven and their little two-for-one scams. Everytime I walk into a 7 Eleven outlet now, I hang on to my wallet so hard that you would need the jaws of life to separate me from it, because they’re crooks.

one for two

Here’s what they do: you go in for one bag of chips, you grab it, take it to the counter and they tell you that there is some two-for-five dollar deal on that particular item. But anybody who knows me will know that if you put two bags of chips in front of me, I’m eating two bags of chips! My parents always told me “Ryan, there are starving children in poor countries that are starving for some Smith’s Cheese and Onion Potato Crisps, so eat what you’re given”, so I just opt for the one bag. But guess how much one bag of chips is...fucking four dollars seventy! $4.70! The fuck, what?

To reiterate, I can get two for five or one for four seventy! And to that, I say ‘No, no. You misunderstood me, I just want to pay for one bag’ and they say ‘Yeah, it’s four seventy!’ and then I’ll argue ‘No, no, no. That’s one bag and most of a second bag, but in the end I’ll only receive one bag.’ and they’ll disagree with that, all with a straight face of course, because they’re obviously used to ripping people off. They’re crooks. Duplicitous and sneaky thieves, but I’ll say it again, they get away with it because it’s all within the law.

It is a little unfair to single out 7 Eleven on this though...okay, that’s a lie, it’s not. 7 Eleven are the masters of scamming people! Take it from me, never trust anybody that dabbles in the trade of oil. But another company that has been guilty of this one-for-two rubbish in the past, believe or not, is Woolworths. Those fuckin’ arseholes! You see, trying to scam me while I’m grabbing a snack or a porn magazine from some convenience store, I can handle, because I’m probably drunk, but it’s another story when you start fucking around with my grocery shopping; that’s sacred!

Whoever it is, whether it’s the local government or some Indian running a convenience store (poorly, I might add), I think of them as Batman villains. But not the Joker or Mr Freeze, that’s way too much credit. No, just the petty crooks you used to see in the old animated series, robbing banks and getting up to all types of other shenanigans. You know, the ones who wielded normal firearms and wore normal balaclavas and skidded off the road and burned in normal cars and normal fires - those losers. That’s how I picture these arseholes. Smart enough to pull off a bank robbery and have people obey their commands, but not smart enough to do it in a way where nobody realises. Once you get down to it, my ego and I just don’t like being bullshitted, so if you want me to buy two bags of chips or you want me to park somewhere that costs more money, just don’t lie to me about it; tell me when you’re trying to rob me.

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