Friday, February 28, 2014

Lazy by Matriculation

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Some people just aren't made to sit in a classroom and waste time not having sex, which is fine because sometimes I'm too busy to fix the plumbing on my own. From kindergarten to year ten, for me those sorts of kids were a treasure-trove of chuckles: drawing swirls on ceiling fans, repeatedly pressing the stop button on school buses and having back-and-forths with teachers - hilarious. But then when we get into year eleven and onward and the government-imposed sentence of schooling is over, to me the funniest thing they do is show up to class when they could just simply leave...or should I say 'frustrating'?

You know what I'm thinking of doing, I'm going to go to prison (let's not lie - it'll probably be for murder), whinge the entire time about being there and then when they tell me that my sentence is over, I'm going to break down in tears, screaming 'if you try and make me leave, I will fucking shank you! I like the sodomy!'

I'm then going to get myself a treadmill for a little 'forced out of the slammer' gift, do about five minutes on it and then grab a burger so big that you'll ditch your religion. Beef and bacon on Good Friday! A nice sacrilegious meal!

Both examples of two things that are less ridiculous than staying in school after eleven years of failing it.

When school's out not just for summer but forever, why don't they just get out? I mean, this is a premium-cut of stupidity, I must say. This shit is at least hundred dollars a kilo, you don't even know! To fail at school and consistently want to leave and then be so dumb and so bankrupt of motivation that they won't leave when they're being let out - wow! That's truly fascinating!

You see, when I'm being made to do something that I dislike, and then somebody tells me that I no longer have to do it, I stop doing it. Is that weird behaviour? What logic is there in staying in school? All they're doing from that point on is wasting everybody's time and wasting their parent's money. Firstly, it wastes the teacher's time because whenever the moron misses class, which is often, the teacher has to make sure that the he/she has what they need to catch up. Also, like I said, these students are usually too dumb and unmotivated to understand anything! So everything has to be explained twice! Now, I'm no mathematician, but if the teacher has explained it once to us while the moron was away because they came down with a bout of masterbaforia or whatever, and they then have to explain it again to them and then once more because the dumb-fuck just isn't getting it, that's a total of...just gimme a sec! Beep-boop-beep-boop...three times that this teacher has had to explain what a fucking proper noun is and how it differs from a regular noun! Three times!

Secondly, in the midst of all of this triple-explaining, my time is wasted because class-time has been pissed away. This means less time can be spent explaining new topics the first time and suddenly I have more homework to do! And it's all because some guy in my class has a dick in his hand instead of a brain in his head! That's right, I could have perfect attendance but, because of this knuckle-dragger, I have to catch up in my own time anyway! So my time's now wasted. Then to top it off, these students talk through class, they distract the people around them and they distract the teachers, thus, wasting even more time.

So let's review: they make teachers explain things three times because they weren't there, which wastes time, and when they are there, they waste everybody's time by distracting them anyway. Fan-tastic!

At the end of year eleven, my first voluntary year of school, I made the decision to leave school and do my final year at a college, not at school. You see, I had the misconception that the end of year ten would sift out all of the aforementioned morons, but it didn't. So I then foolishly thought that going to college would expose me to a more adult-environment, as people of any age are welcome to complete the course, but it wasn't. It was the same old grass-fed bullshit! This cut of stupidity has to be at least two hundred a kilo, because this bunch weren't just simply continuing their schooling, they fucking started it themselves! They're the ones that got off their lazy-ass one year and filled out all the forms. It was them! So why? Did they have a moment of motivation, signed up for college and then accidentally jerked it off in front of some porn? How does one go from a motivated student to some unruly creep that shows up for no reason?

Some have suggested that this is parental-pressure, which I could definitely see. However, to me, this speaks volumes about how deficiently-minded these parents are! I'm going to say seventy-five dollars a kilo of stupidity for this one. By the end of year ten, their little shit has been going to school for eleven years. You're telling me that after eleven years, they couldn't tell that they're kid is an academic-disaster? Plus, I went to a private school with these people, are their parents fuckin' rich? For example, My school fees for year eleven were just under three and a half grand! What job do they have that allows them to throw away over three thousand dollars on an education that isn’t being used and, more importantly, where do I go to get that job? Because I want it!

My only other real suggestion is that it's easier to get welfare payments when you're a student in this country. Sometimes it's just a formality to these guys. They'd rather fuck around in class and make things difficult for others than work for the money. I suspect that was the case for most when I went to college, especially considering that welfare also waived most of the course fees if you’re eligible. Some had it down to an art. They were well-aware of the line that would get them kicked out and off payments if they crossed it, and they rode that god damn line all year. They knew how many classes to show up to each week, they knew when it was time to lay-low for a while - they were artists, I swear. I said 'artists', not 'arses'. But yeah...they were also arses. But this is also dumb, because I refuse to believe that this method is any easier than just working. I mean, class is really boring and working pays way better than welfare.

The school year itself is a lot like a war, have you noticed? You never end up finishing it with the same amount of people as when you started. School’s a lot like Normandy. The boat hits sand at the beach. With suspense the soldiers wait. Gunfire can be heard in the distance. Then 'BOOM!' The door comes down and two men immediately fall to the ground, their bodies full of bullets. Then a couple get picked off in the water. A few die on the sand. And the academics manage their way behind walls further up the beach and quickly disperse through the battlefield.

We're only a month into the school year, so the door has really only just swung open, but give it time and more and more will leave or defer or get kicked out, riddled with bullet-holes no doubt. Which is good; leave! But why stay? Why be somewhere when you don't have to be, that's my question? Is it for welfare payments, parental-pressure, a party, to make friends, school-girl fetish? Why? But, naa! You can't answer me because you're an idiot that never showed up to Thursday afternoon English!

Wednesday, February 19, 2014

Foxcunnts

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You remember how those Foxconn workers burned to death in that factory that one time and everybody at Apple were too worried about losing their iPad stock to give a shit? Well here's a new burn for those that (unfortunately for them) survived: Foxconn and Google have made a deal to begin replacing their factory's human Foxconn workers with robotics and automation. Now I've read about ten of these articles and it needs to pointed out that these journalists don't seem to believe in the word 'replace'. The reason is probably because they don't want people to know that the very workers that are being replaced will most likely be the ones constructing the robots that will replace them. Of course, I'm only speculating, but I find that big ironic media-elephant to be some weird hybrid of hilarious and tragic.

But first, let's get the simple fact out of the way that Foxconn is a vile corporation, and big surprise, they're based in none other than one of the funniest countries: China! Everyday I lament about how difficult it is to live on the same planet as the people who run that company. I call them 'Foxcunnts' to make me feel better. Let me tell you a little something about Foxconn. Foxconn is hell. They should just rename it to 'Hell' so that iPhone users aren't duped into thinking that their devices are forged on angelic-clouds or whatever Apple fanboys think. Amazingly, Foxconn is where most of the world's electronics are whipped up. Apple. Microsoft. Nokia. HP. You name it.

Funny that I should mention whipping, because here's how bad this place is. This is the place where the prototype for the iPhone 4 went missing and later showed up in some bar. So utterly afraid was the dude responsible for losing the prototype that he decided that killing himself would be easier than facing these Foxcunnts. Suicide-talk a little icky for you? GOOD! Because this is the place that had sooooooo many workers leaping from the tops of their factories that they installed suicide-netting to prevent anymore from happening. Yeah! This place is so ghastly that people can't even wait 'til the end of their shift to off themselves! They even started making them sign anti-suicide agreements. I mean, in 2010 they had eighteen attempts; it basically rained bodies! And I just love how that was their answer - netting! Not 'Hey Foxcunnt #1, maybe there's something wrong here since we've had nine suicides in the span of three months?' You know how many coworkers of mine have killed themselves ever? Fuckin' zero!

Of course, there are all the other bells and whistles synonymous with slave-labour: long hours, no days off, minimal pay, all that shit.

And that's a normal day at the office. But when a new iPhone is coming out or whatever, Foxconn goes ape-shit.

Enough about shit you could just Google, and should. To add to all of the hardship, I'm willing to lay money down that the final legacy of these poor bastards before they are thrown out (probably literally) will be for them to build there replacements, and quite possibly die while doing so. While to us spoilt-westerners, we can just go and get a new job, the reason these people put up with all of this shit is because it's all they can get to put food on the table and not live outside. Many of them actually live in on-site dorms offered to the workers by the company, not because they are at all healthy to live in, but because they're free. By the way, didn't Satan show itself as a serpent and convince some people to take something else for free but then they felt like shit about it afterwards? An apple or something? Hm. And who makes iPhones again? Apple Inc.? I don't know about you but I'm seeing a bit of a connection here. But I digress. So if they lose these jobs, they also lose their homes (trying to work out if that's bad or good). So being made redundant I'd imagine would be not unlike a death-sentence. This would be the ultimate final emotional-assault - to make your employees build the things that will stop the money that they use to buy their food and the job that provides them a residence. Diabolical.

But you know, we all want faster mobile internet or whatever.

Mark my words. When a company of employees whose job it is to assemble electronics and the company then wants to replace them with electronics that don't need to be paid, don't need breaks and won't end up in the news when they die, then who better to get than those same people to assemble them for you. Genius. They also would never get the Yanks in to assemble them; evidently, they only like torturing their own people (and sometimes Indians). It's also such a shame that Google, one of the only companies not associated with those Foxcunnts, have now joined them to further their robotics division. That wouldn't be an issue if it wasn't for Foxconn seeing this as an opportunity to put a bunch of impoverished people that they simple see as annoyances out on the street. It's kind of like Google and Foxconn are scratching each other's backs with the cold, dead fingers once attached to Foxconn's workers.