Wednesday, April 9, 2014

Uni is a Sexual Tiger

When I finished high school, people in my grade jumped straight into university's pants like it was a hot babe on prom night, and that always puzzled me. The notion of finishing a relentless thirteen year education and then immediately beginning another even more relentless one confused me. "Why not enjoy your youth a little bit?" I'd ask. But since starting a degree myself, I finally get university now! It's all about the chicks, right? Or if you're a chick yourself, it's about the dicks. Or if you're gay, it's about the dudes. Or if you're a lesbian, it's about the boobs. If you've got a fetish, it's about the fucking faculty, or fucking the faculty, rather. I get it now! It is literally a meat-market on campus, and these lectures and assessments are only hurdles in the way of getting a piece!

I get university now because from the first week that I was there, I would've needed a gas-mask not to smell the sex in the air. It's rampant - the sex, or more accurately, the desire for it. Most girls are trying to avoid it, all guys are rooting for it (pun intended). Want to know how I'm so sure? One of my teachers - and that's all I'll disclose just in case she employs me one day - is a fox. The moment she stepped through the door, I saw a quirky, orange-furred, hunting fox. The word on campus seemed to share that opinion. The guys I spoke to had noticed. The girls I spoke to had heard other guys say so. The jury is in on this chick! Some need prodding and probing before they'll eventually let you in on their thoughts, but we're all thinkin' the same thing.

So if guy's ears are perking up over this thirty year old mother of two, then you could imagine what else is when there are quite literally hundreds of hot girls in their late teens to early-twenties walking around on a daily basis - young girls! To make matters worse, the cohort of my campus is comprised of more girls than the less appealing gender.

I also get university now because the campuses are dangerously provocative. At my particular one, I could take a girl out without even leaving campus! Everything is there! This is what I'd do: I'd start with a romantic dinner at the uni-restaurant. Then head on over to the cafe in the hopes of divulging some personal details over an innocent milkshake before moving to the uni-bar where we get a little looser. We drink, we divulge a little more, we drink a lot more, we flirt, and woa! Her hand is on my knee! So then we could stumble over to the bean-bags or the loungey-bed areas of the library to make out; believe me, they're accommodating. However, we could skip the library and head straight to the uni-village (or uni-hotel) and make the beast with two backs. Single night accommodation for seventy bucks, a mere twenty bucks more than what you'd find at your regular hooker-hotel. We'll then of course wake up in the morning, either awkwardly or still horny, hopefully the latter. We'll shower and I'll go across the road to my Media Cultures lecture. That's-fucking-possible!

In short, there is enough at this campus for me to maintain a second relationship under the guise of 'study'. "Where were you last night, Ryan?" "You're crazy! I was working on my essay, I swear!"

So, what I'm trying to say is: university is a party, and that's without living in a dormitory! Seriously, the learning commons room has two wine glasses in the kitchenette! I swear, the only thing my campus is missing are those condom vending machines in the bathrooms! When you're boyfriend says that he's studying, he's not lookin' at books! And when you're girlfriend says she needs to go to a mandatory workshop...well, actually, that might be all she's doing, but she's being watched, you can't argue with that. So if you have a partner trying to make something of themselves at university, convince them to just quit and become electricians, because university is a sexual tiger! Roar!

No comments:

Post a Comment