Sunday, May 25, 2014

The Female Mind is like Indiana Jones

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While I'd steadfastly agree that the female gender is the far-superior of the two sexes, I must point out that women are bat-shit insane.

Women only ever have one complaint about men, it's that we think with our penises. But that's just one thing - with women, there are millions of things! I look fat. My hair is frizzy. I wonder if they can see my chins. My arse is too big. My arse is too small. Look at my cleavage everybody! I'm nervous about the wedding because I've put on weight. Ew, pervert! Stop looking at my tits! Do these nine-inch heels and all this make up make me look like a circus-clown? Yes. Oh, thank god! I was worried!

Worried about what exactly?

Men think about sex every seven seconds, and women think abou...holy shit. I have no idea what women are thinking ever, because they're sixes and sevens crazy! They don't even know what they're thinking! If this were the Magic School Bus and we went inside a girl's head, I'd imagine it would be not unlike a scene from Indiana Jones! Choose any of the four and imagine pure-chaos.

There's a larger-than-life boulder tumbling toward him and he's running away as it draws closer. He swings from a vine over a pit of spikes and the vine only just holds him to the other side before snapping in half and whip-cracking to the ground. And then the Nazis make an entrance, shooting the place up. They're yelling racial slurs, even though Indiana wasn't exactly Jewish, I don't think. And then Shia Lebouf appears and starts fuckin' up the series. He gently whispers shit into the girl's ear drum like "Ooooh! Doesn't she look pretty?" And she thinks to herself "Yeah! Who said that she could look so pretty?"

That's what's going in every girl's head at any one time.

Sunday, May 18, 2014

I'm a great person. Or why I'm so awesome.

To wrap up my previous post, People I Wouldn't Befriend...

Just before you recycle that invitation you were writing me, take note that the friends I do have, or did have, forever hold a special place in my thoughts and in my heart. For a person that I truly and profoundly adore, it takes a long line of garbage to send me running. However, while I may have a notoriety for bolting at the first wave of a red flag, my sense of loyalty is actually iron-clad, and I mean that with every fiber that makes me human.

If I care about you, there is no end to the list of things I'd do. If it's 3am and you've just found out about your parent’s divorce, I'll be there. If it's New Year's Eve and some ass-hat is giving you trouble, I'd probably just end up being another victim, but I'll be there...bleeding, probably. If you're upset and you don't even want me there, I'll be there anyway, because I'm a creep. It's who I am.

To me, every person is unique, and that's indispensable. The friends I keep, I intend to keep forever.

History is harsh though. In my darkest days, not everything I did defined who I am. I was crippled by a pain and indecision that made me do things that only reflected my anger, not my heart. But that's the past. Today, my veins coarse rich with the purity of warm blood. I even care for people that have nothing to do with me. Need proof?

  • This passed month, I helped my lost bus driver. He took a left instead of a right and every turn he made after that was a wrong one! Meanwhile, there were five other people on that bus just watching while this poor guy was probably freaking out. Five people didn't get up, so I did. I put my laptop away and stood next to him for about five minutes until we were back on track. Not because I had work or class or somewhere to be. It was because he needed help and, like a hard-on for generosity that needs regular attention, I have a lot of help to hand out on any given day.

  • This passed month, I gave some dude ten dollars. He approached me on the street in distress while I was on my way to work. We spoke for a few minutes. He was very polite and apologetic. He spouted off some story about his car radiator and was complaining that there weren't any mechanics within walking-distance. I agreed. He asked for twenty dollars and promised that he would arrange to get it back to me. I gave him all the money I had - a ten dollar note - and joked with him that "I'm a charitable person, not a loan-shark." Why did I do it even though his story was maybe bullshit? Because regardless of authenticity, he was nice! And if I was ever in a pickle and I was nice, I'd like a fellow human being to help me too. Sometimes ten dollars can go a long way for somebody else, but for me, I would've just wasted it on garbage.

  • This passed month, like every month, I went to work. While that might not sound like much considering what I do, the only reason I show up is to help people. It really warms my heart when I know that I've lended a hand to someone in a profound way. I work for the help desk at a shopping centre. I get people who have trouble walking, people who have hurt themselves, people who are panicking because they think their car's been stolen or that somebody's taken their kid and even the lost kids themselves - I get it all, and I love that my job puts me in the position to help those people. It might explain why I haven't found a better job.

  • This passed month, like every month, I was a good friend. I wont go into detail, but it's because I love my friends and I care for each of them, no matter the level of friendship. That's why I'm picky with who I let in.

A lot of this may seem like bragging to you, and that's because it is. Why might you ask? Because I haven't done enough bragging in my lifetime. It seems I need to fill my bragging-quota. For years I sat silent while people scathingly called me an arsehole. That's because I simply didn't care for what I viewed as a narrow-minded opinion from people who knew nothing about me. In fact, I still don't care, because you see, I'm not writing this for me, I'm writing this for my friends - past, present and future.

I write this for the people I've met this year that may have the wrong idea about me. For the friend that has constantly felt like they've had to defend me in conversation. For my partner whom it kills when the word 'arsehole' is preceded by my name. This is for them, not for me and not for you.

For once I need to care more about how my perception might hurt my friend's feelings and less about how it doesn't hurt mine. You see, I am not an arsehole. Gospel.

Yeah, I may not be the greatest person you've ever met but, take it from the person who knows me best, I'm pretty fuckin' good.

Sunday, May 11, 2014

People I Wouldn’t Befriend

I'm hard to get along with because I'm picky. All it really takes is for somebody to do something dumb in order for me to call it a day. But I'm not talking about 'mistake-dumb', where you accidentally trip, push over a library-stack and kill a small child. I'm talking about 'on-purpose-dumb' that normally starts with a person saying "check me out scaring this kid!"

So, here are a bunch of on-purpose-stupid that would make me drop a friend like a bag of soil:

People that block sneezes
Sooooo dumb! I once blocked a sneeze by accident and I almost had an aneurism! I had a headache all day. So many questions are raised by this, like why? Or, better yet, are they not aware of the function of a sneeze? It's to expel germs from the body into the air to prevent you getting sicker. It's right next to pissing. How much expelling can a sneeze do when you block the fucking thing?

Anybody who uses the term 'punch-on'
Two reasons: one, the syntax is illogical, and two, the people who use that term are generally the ones that do the 'punching-on'. There is nothing more important to me in a friend than gentility and correct syntax.

People that wear glasses with no lenses
Here's my basic understanding of mathematics and optometry:
Lenses + Frames = Glasses
Lenses - Frames = On the ground
Frames - Lenses = Zero friends
Get it? No? Oh that's right, coz ya dum! 

People that use tablet-computers as cameras
Admittedly, there are excuses for this. You forgot your camera or whatever, fine. But you look ridiculous, and I'm with you, so now I look ridiculous!

Passengers that have GPS-related trust-issues Look, when I’m following the GPS, I'm open to some alternate routes from passengers. If you know the area well or it's sending us into peak-hour, guns-out chaos, then sure, suggest away! It is just a machine after all; we are smarter. But regardless of our opinions and preferences, the thing is going to get us where we want to go, that needs to be agreed upon when you step into my car.

Some people don't get this. If you keep saying shit like "why didn't you go down down Elizabeth Drive?" Or "where is this thing taking us?" And then you pull out the navigation on your phone and I start receiving two competing sets of directions, then fuck off and get the fuck out’ta the car. I can't take it. I don't need somebody to demonstrate where Google and Navman differ, I just want to get to the party.

I'm sorry, but The nice Navlady takes precedence over my friends, that's just my golden rule.

There's a follow-up to this coming in the next post, so keep an eye out.