Sunday, May 11, 2014

People I Wouldn’t Befriend

I'm hard to get along with because I'm picky. All it really takes is for somebody to do something dumb in order for me to call it a day. But I'm not talking about 'mistake-dumb', where you accidentally trip, push over a library-stack and kill a small child. I'm talking about 'on-purpose-dumb' that normally starts with a person saying "check me out scaring this kid!"

So, here are a bunch of on-purpose-stupid that would make me drop a friend like a bag of soil:

People that block sneezes
Sooooo dumb! I once blocked a sneeze by accident and I almost had an aneurism! I had a headache all day. So many questions are raised by this, like why? Or, better yet, are they not aware of the function of a sneeze? It's to expel germs from the body into the air to prevent you getting sicker. It's right next to pissing. How much expelling can a sneeze do when you block the fucking thing?

Anybody who uses the term 'punch-on'
Two reasons: one, the syntax is illogical, and two, the people who use that term are generally the ones that do the 'punching-on'. There is nothing more important to me in a friend than gentility and correct syntax.

People that wear glasses with no lenses
Here's my basic understanding of mathematics and optometry:
Lenses + Frames = Glasses
Lenses - Frames = On the ground
Frames - Lenses = Zero friends
Get it? No? Oh that's right, coz ya dum! 

People that use tablet-computers as cameras
Admittedly, there are excuses for this. You forgot your camera or whatever, fine. But you look ridiculous, and I'm with you, so now I look ridiculous!

Passengers that have GPS-related trust-issues Look, when I’m following the GPS, I'm open to some alternate routes from passengers. If you know the area well or it's sending us into peak-hour, guns-out chaos, then sure, suggest away! It is just a machine after all; we are smarter. But regardless of our opinions and preferences, the thing is going to get us where we want to go, that needs to be agreed upon when you step into my car.

Some people don't get this. If you keep saying shit like "why didn't you go down down Elizabeth Drive?" Or "where is this thing taking us?" And then you pull out the navigation on your phone and I start receiving two competing sets of directions, then fuck off and get the fuck out’ta the car. I can't take it. I don't need somebody to demonstrate where Google and Navman differ, I just want to get to the party.

I'm sorry, but The nice Navlady takes precedence over my friends, that's just my golden rule.

There's a follow-up to this coming in the next post, so keep an eye out.

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