Thursday, July 31, 2014

Jack-Offs Jacking-off

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Let's get one thing straight, if a guy has sex with a girl and she doesn't come, the show's not over! To me, all this jack-off's done is figured out a way to jack-off with a vagina instead of a hand. If you've been on this page before or you know me and you thought my standards were high about trivialities, then you have noooo idea how high they are when it comes to the word 'sex'. Sex is two people naked, moaning in a room, indulging in the fruits of human nature! When a dude grunts after thirty seconds, rolls over and goes to sleep, that my friend is a tragedy! In my mind, until I can get my back looking like a Jackson Pollock, sex has not occurred. Regardless of sexual-competency, my pleasure is only secondary to the girls, and that's how all guys should think.

When I was in school, girls that were way too young to be having sex were. Whenever one of them told me that they weren't a virgin, I imagined something out of a movie. I'd picture her profile in black-and-white, straddling a well-toned gentlemen in a dimly-lit room. The thin, long, white curtain waving in the breeze, because who has time to close windows in that state of mind. She runs her hand over her breast and then through her hair out of pure-ecstasy. She leans in and clamps her teeth on his ear. He whispers in hers with his mouth while guiding her with his hand. Having never had sex myself, that's what I would imagine every time somebody told me they'd had sex. To be truthful, that's still the image I carried around even after I started doin’ it myself, right up until the revelation that this wasn't actually happening! I thought that everybody that wasn't me was having better, amazing, knee-rattling sex. I later realised that my definition of ‘sex’ was a fantasy compared to everybody else's. These lucky-guys were just as skinny as I was, just as white and, most importantly, sex was just a matter of getting rid of some fluids to them. Ugh!

Let's get real though, I'm no sexual marksmen, but that doesn't matter because whenever I jump into the sack, my plan is to try to blow her mind, and I use everything in my arsenal to get that done. That's my point. You don't have to be Deepak Chopra in bed to be a sexual guru; you don't! It's about fucking attitude. It's about thinking "it doesn't matter if I come, but it matters if she doesn't." It's about treating every sexual encounter like it's your last because you might keel over and die the very next day. The last thing you want is for that girl to hear of your death and think "oh, that guy that came early and wouldn't go down on me died. GOOD!"

And fuckin' ay right, it's good! These people are the reason wars happen and that slavery exists! Too many unsatisfied women loose in the world!

I understand though, sometimes it's not even physically possible for some people to be amazing in the sack. Sometimes you're going to come early. Sometimes you're going lose your erection. Sometimes you're going to be too drunk. News flash: It's called oral sex, maybe you've heard of it. And if you don't like that (because you're an idiot) or you're worried about infection (because you're smart), you always have these things called "fingers." They aren't a great substitute, but they’re certainly better than nothing. Time and time again I hear about these assholes just coming prematurely and then...well, that's it. What? Are they joking? Have they only heard about getting head and not about giving it? There are ways of making a girl come that don't involve vaginal intercourse. I'm beginning to wonder if guys are even aware of that.

A year ago, I wrote about the beauty of sex, and that's all I was talking about - sex! The real definition of ‘sex’, not this scarring ordeal guys are putting gorgeous girls through. I'm talking about sex so bad that it makes a girl question her heterosexuality while brushing over it with a therapist later on down the track. If there are guys leaving women wanting more - and there are - then maybe women have been right all along, maybe men are all arseholes. Because how could a guy want sex so badly that he dreams of it all the way through his teens, with the wet dreams and the constant jerking off; how could a guy go onto Google and watch naked women have sex for hours; how could a guy essentially beg a girl for sex, and then finally get to copulating with a real, beautiful, flesh and blood woman and then do nothing to make it a purely transcendent experience!

What's wrong with us?

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