Thursday, July 3, 2014

Whore Waiting

like the facebooks
If you ever see me on the phone speaking with someone, I actually don't want to be speaking with them, probably because I hate them. That's why I love call waiting. When one of my idiot friends is talking about their sick grandmother or stupid shit like that and I hear that beeping sound, it's like a gift from on high. They should call it "god-waiting!" Because those beeps give me carte blanch to be the twisted, impolite prick that I really am underneath. It's the greatest innovation in the world.

You see, most of my friends are polite, and when they're speaking to me on the phone, they're actually speaking to me. They're not concerned about who else could be calling, they're only worried about our conversation. It's because they're fucking idiots. For me, there isn't enough voltage in this world that could shock me into caring any less about whatever it is they think they have to say to me. So, the moment I hear that angelic symphony of beeps, you could not get me off the phone faster. I must, no, I need to get off and find out whether or not that person is anymore interesting than my mother, because I'm rude and I'm not going to hide that shit.

I love call waiting so much in fact that I wish they had it for face-to-face interactions. Somebody could be speaking to me and then something would just pass over me like a wave. My eyes would go vacant, my body language would become stilted and I'd just walk away like the mothership just called. Then I'd go seek out the person I actually want to speak to.

To me though, my strict-adherence to the call waiting gods isn't a true enough reflection of my rudeness, so I've managed to come up with something better and it's called "whore waiting." What happens is, when one of my whores needs me or whatever, they call me. If I'm already on the phone with a friend or my mum or my girlfriend, it cuts my current call off after five seconds and puts me straight through to the other call. This is good because being as rude as I am can get pretty tiresome, especially with all of that button-pushing and all those pleasantries! I'm not a button-pusher and I'm not fucking pleasant! Whore-waiting is all automated! So when there's a call, I just quickly say "SorryNanny! Somebodywantstosuckmydick! You'reboring! Gottago!" before it cuts me off. Genius.

Who would have thought that that the phone companies would be so accommodating for rude, arseholes like myself. While before people were polite and normal and just simply missed calls because they were in one already, now I can be diplomatic with whom I want to speak to! So write yourself a checklist of the following and tick the ones that apply to you right now: Are you an arsehole? Are you rude? Did your mother or father not love you enough? If you didn't tick any of them, then I'm afraid you shouldn't be using call-waiting; it's only for rude arseholes.

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