Saturday, August 23, 2014


like the book

I've been sober, I've been tipsy, I've been drunk and I've been a blackout drunk, I've even made absent-minded decisions, but not once have I ever lost control of my actions. No matter how hammered, sober-Ryan has always had to sign off on what I do first. That's why I think that anybody who's ever used the "but I was drunk" excuse is completely full of shit. Here's why:

I personally don't think anybody has ever done anything simply because they were "drunk." And I truly mean "anything." I think it would be much more accurate to say that deep down, some people just aren't very nice, so when they heard that others are buying intoxication as an excuse, they hit the jackpot.

Really, in the beginning, drinking was just an excuse that men cooked up to justify banging women that aren't their wives, and those fuckers are getting away with it. It's genius really, because we have found a medical reason for cheating! You know, the type of shit you can get a doctor's certificate for! "Ryan will be unable to not commit adultery between the hours of 8pm and 8am as he is suffering from severe intoxication." Chicks weren't buying our excuses, so we needed medical professionals to get on our side too.

Of course, I'm not disputing the fact that alcohol loosens inhibitions and impairs judgement. I've acted like a moron drunk, but I chose to act like a moron. If I cheated, it's because at heart I didn't like my girlfriend, not because a Grey Goose told me to!

Why people are buying this garbage, I will never know! All alcohol does is loosen you up to pave the way for your deepest (and sometimes darkest) desires to fizzle to the surface. Alcohol is a truth-serum, not a new identity. So, no matter how closeted you are, if you're a cheater at the bar, then you're a cheater at heart. Kind people aren't getting drunk and committing genocide. It's not meth! It's just alcohol!

Sunday, August 10, 2014

50kmph Dumb Zone

Reduced speed zones around schools make sense and they prove how big the NSW government's cock is when it comes to road safety decisions. They make the surrounding area less of a hazard to little Timmy, they take pressure off the over-stretched faculty and they reduce the risk of Karen running up the arse of another car as she's gazing at the arse on Scott's dad, the "hot builder." But I still have a few beefs with school zones.

like the facebooks

#1 In our society, the worst thing you can do is not murder, not rape and not genocide, the worst thing you can do is hurt a kid. Fuck, we love kids! Which means that it's everybody's job, whether we like it or not, to protect them from whatever crazy people think they need protecting from. This notion of school zones feed into this attitude. For some reason it's really important for the larger portion of the population to constantly be shifting and reshaping things around this significantly smaller portion, and sometimes enough is enough. We need to draw an unbroken line at our roads when it comes to this kid police state.

But you probably aren't convinced that this attitude even exists. So, the next time you drive through a school zone, count how many school zone 40 kmph signs there are against the number of regular speed signs and attempt to draw logic. I can almost guarantee there will be more 40 kmph than regular speed signs, plus perhaps a few carefully situated speed cameras to catch you looking confused. What this tells us is that the school speed which is only in effect for four hours a day, five days a week excluding the 12 weeks of school holidays each year is more important than the speed limit effective for the other 20 hours of the day, seven days a week, 52 weeks a year. That's the attitude. The "lets protect kids at any stupid cost" attitude.

like the book of faces#2 However, it's fair enough that we have them around our primary schools, but if a tenth grader walks out in front of a car…maybe they deserve to get hit. That's right, I said it. Are they really trying to tell me that from age eleven, a child still doesn't have the cognitive ability to understand road danger? A school zone around a primary school is protecting children, but put one of them around a high school, and suddenly we have been deputised into protecting morons! Yerp! We're getting nickel and dimed for not protecting stupidity.

#3 What will seem like a contradiction, I also lament any driver who whinges about the simple existence of school zones. I treat drivers and smokers with the same gloves because they share a key attitude – “what I'm doing is a necessity and therefore I can do it when I want and how I want, regardless of how it affects others.” In other words, drivers think that anything that gets in the way of driving, like school zones, is simply deemed stupid. All the while completely ignoring the fact that if people had driven more carefully near schools in the first place, we'd have less dead kids and no school zones. So whenever they get fined because they were too busy looking at Facebook to look at stupid signs, it's "school zones are dumb" this and "why should I have to pay?" that! Grow up and realise that the moment you get behind the wheel of a car, you sign a contract with the NSW government, no matter how begrudging you might be. This is why I try not to associate myself with other drivers; they're horrible, horrible people!

#4 On an unrelated note, you would think that school zones - reducing the limit from 50 to 40 - would have shown people the importance put on a 10km change in speed. It didn't! Instead, many people instead dance between the posted limit and 10kms above that. So in a 50 zone, people go 60. In a 60 zone, they go 70. School zones are a living education and no body's learning shit! Little do drivers realise that speed limits everywhere are being reduced now with this behaviour in mind, which means we all suffer. So, they'll make 60 zones into 50 because it's simply not safe for us to go 70 on that road, which they know we’ll go. It’s a pre-emptive strike.

So in review: school zones are symbolic of our society's draconian policing of children. The zones themselves are unfair revenue-traps during non-school hours. A zone around a high school is not a school zone, it's a dumb zone. Drivers are a lot like smokers - inconsiderate of others. Finally, we aren't learning from what school zones are trying to teach us and now it's taking Karen longer to drive to Scott's place and cheat on her husband, and Karen needs it bad, guys!