Saturday, April 30, 2016

Logic in Love

In an effort to better understand why I behave the way that I do, I've had to identify that there are two Ryans: there's the logical one and there's the no questions asked, down on both knees, will you marry me now, emotional Ryan. Put the two together and out pops the strange love child I call "me" - the real me. If you asked the emotional side, he'd tell you that I've fallen in love with every girl I've ever met, and maybe even some of the guys, which is a problem. That's where Logical Ryan swoops in and saves my ass.

I've told five people in my life that I'm in love with them; one of which I regret because I was twelve and the other four I actually loved with varying degrees of vigor. As for the rest of the general population however, I was never actually in love with. But be that as it may, something just so palpable and so striking would still pass over me in a moment while in the presence of others. Sometimes it was the way they looked into my eyes, sometimes it was a hint of grace in their actions or the way that they cleaned the peanut butter jar with their finger; other times it was something as simple as a brush of the hair, the gentility in a kiss, a graze of the hand, or just their beauty which would encapsulate me so, but it was Emotional Ryan at play and that dude is a fucking barbarian.

Meanwhile, Logical Ryan then has to take his emotional counterpart infront of an advisory board to state a case as to why the real me shouldn't be in love with that person. Sometimes it means months of arguing, recesses, referrals, deliberations, and appeals to rationalise the thing out. Having said that, often one can just rationalise it out in an instant. As I mentioned though, there were times where Logical Ryan couldn’t prove to a reasonable doubt that I wasn’t genuinely Play Misty for Me, in love with the person, because I was.

Thankfully what it does mean is that every single I love you, not just the romantic but also the platonic, is so carefully considered that it's like planning a trip to North Korea. The ultimate take away here is that love for me has become more of a logical concept than an emotional one. It has to be that way in order for me to make heads or tails of the emotions which flood through me on the daily. Without Logical Ryan filtering out all of the dirt and grit, there'd be no clean water to drink when someone I actually could love comes along. If I didn't apply a logical process, I wouldn't know love, nor would I know myself, because I would just think I'm in love with everyone. More importantly, it's why every I love you is such a big deal to me, and something worth announcing.

The question is: can there really be logic in love or have I just finally reached the pinnacle of romantic-hysteria?

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