Tuesday, November 8, 2016

Brackets, Bullshit & "7PM"

If you ever receive an invite or a memo that reads "Time: 6:50PM (for a 7PM start)", you might as well just take off your watch, drop it on the ground and grind it into fragments with the heel of your shoe, because time as we know it has ceased to have any meaning! Friends know that to leave me standing around with my thumb up my arse for anything more than 20 minutes without so much as a tweet means that they'll be showing up to nobody; that's just my policy. Hell! I've been perfectly willing to use a friendship like a sacrificial lamb for the sake of saving the concept of time ever since I started penning diatribes about it a decade ago. Well, it seems the battle is only about to get harder as it has now burst forth from coffee with friends to bullshit at the office. Hmph!

Firstly, these ludicrous conference room meeting times; who do these people think they've hired? Children? And even so, time is very ages 11 and up in my eyes. I mean, if a memo says 7PM, I'll be there by 6:59, allowing me the more than lavish 10 seconds I need to take a seat and the 50 seconds I need to silently judge my coworkers. However, a friend of mine has always said that if you're not 10 minutes early, then you're late. While that isn't meant to be taken in the strictest sense, I mention it because I always thought that a 6:50 arrival for a 7 start was implied, wasn't it? I didn't think anybody needed fucking brackets and little tips on how not to be late, the same way that I don't need my boss to assist me in putting on underwear. I've been making appointments for well over a decade now, I think I have it covered, thanks! Also, if you do have employees who can't work that out on their own, then should they really be employees? When it comes to things like these anxiety-ridden brackets, employee bag checks, and CCTV in staff rooms, I've always wondered why employers don't just pop a Valium and hire people they can trust?

Secondly, and what I would imagine is most important is that it wastes a fuck tonne of everybody's time; mine and the companies. To start with, if a memo fails to include the stupid "for a 7PM start" bit on the 6:50 time, I'll probably wind up getting there at 6:40 anyway! Which then means traipsing around for 20 minutes for a meeting which will probably only go for 20 minutes! At one place I worked, I felt like I did this quite a bit. Meanwhile, I could've been doing actual work or getting things organised at home, or...anything else! But na! Na! My bossed preferred to instead pay me to sit in a quiet boardroom reading about what other guys look at during doggy style on Reddit. Now, I know that 10 minutes may seem petty to you and I, but if 20 people are attending a meeting, three hours of collective man hours have been wasted on a meeting probably about how the company wants to save money. Yeah, I have a tip on how to cut costs: Start a fucking meeting when you say it will start; no more brackets and bullshit. Meanwhile, we probably won't start till 7:05 anyway because Deborah's car got caught on the M4 again in a haze of smoke emanating from her hood worthy of a Bon Jovi concert.

It has to stop, guys! Not in ten minutes. Now! Arranging earlier times to compensate for tardiness in social circles is already absurd, but the moment we start doing this professionally means we have real problems. I have very little faith in anyone who either can't keep time or knowingly keeps people employed who can't. Lawyers, electricians, army colonels, my fucking butcher; I don't care who you are, spare a thought for time! She's suffering, she's disrespected, and yes, she's female. We need to start throwing some bodies at her, I couldn't care less who. Please, for the sake of saving time, for the sake of a boy who peers through the window wishing on Rolexs, Tag Heuers and Pebbles, can 7PM please go back to being 7PM?

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