Tuesday, December 27, 2016

The Predictable Male

Like most males, I like talking about sex as much as I like having it, which makes the fact that I don't play well with them even stranger. Perhaps, it's because the hunt tends to dim our wits. The less accessible it becomes, the sloppier the chase. But the real idiocy in the pursuit of the female is that we think we're invisible, and that's the part that gets me: how covert we think we are while casting a spotlight on ourselves with our own dicks.

This reveals itself in two ways we treat hot girls. To us:

Hot Girls are Rockstars
In anything they do, that's what we think. We follow them on the internet, we cheer when they play their hits, and we cry when they speak to us. But if you consider it, there are actually quite a few real rockstars out there, and some of them sound like lobotomies recorded and packaged. Likewise, there seems to be a hot girl around every corner, and many of them are unfortunately a dime a dozen. But because of our dicks, we fixate on a few and then sign up for their Facebook fan clubs. Then every photo one of these girls posts weeds out majority of their male fan-base who either "heart" it or, worse, post some jerk off comment, like they're saying something different to the four guys and one girl before them. I love the ones who comment stuff like "Where'd you get that dresser? Is that real oak or nah?" Or any comment relating to something incidental to her tits jutting out. Those guys are the self-aware. They're my people: people who appreciate the ridiculousness of this whole thing, but still crave the attention.

But photography, I get; it's voyeurism, plain and simple! But it's the witless, non-sequitur tweets with 30+ likes and comments which pretzel my mind. I'm not saying guys should want to fuck a peer-reviewed essay, they're boring, I'm just saying that not everything a beautiful girl says needs a parade. Beauty and interesting are two different things with momentary overlaps, but our penises love anything they have to say, because...well, they're rockstars, and rockstars are interesting.

But the point I'm driving at is that it's usually the same thumbnails popping up underneath these things. You don't need to be the NSA to notice that whenever some cyborg in a bikini posts something on Facebook, that the same dickdroid's name always comments underneath, you just need to be friends with the girl. Everybody can see what's goin' on, Casper! The thing about this is that if a casual observer like me can see, then the chick receiving these notifications has to at the very least suspect something.

And one last thing on this: Even if girls are rockstars and our voyeuristic tendencies are a force - and fuck me, they are - we've seen all the hits and their covers. I once saw a girl chug a bottle of beer in seven seconds while doing a handstand, and it was the hottest thing I'd seen in about five years. Why? Because I've been seeing the hand on the hip, head to the side since I was 16. I've seen the topless from behind whilst outside photo before. I've seen the upside down laying on the bed with a push up bra in a tank selfie from every girl who owns a bed. Yeah, they're rockstars, I don't disagree, but they're all playing the same tune, and the lyrics are "Like my photo now and tell me I'm beautiful, you fucking perve!"


Hot Girls are Job Openings
For any attractive girl in a relationship, there is always at least one numptie who wishes it was with him. For a sublime girl, it's a fucking platoon of them waiting on horseback over the horizon! Which means that the moment their relationship falls apart and she falls back on the market, the bids are so immediate that the intention is painfully obvious. I use to work for a phone company, we would usually have to prepare the cell towers after a break up for the rash of "Hey, long time no speak" small talk that's stampeding their way. The worst part: These hot girls know it's coming! Even worse, they sometimes even know who it's going to come from, which is an atrocity to men everywhere!

For me, this impulse to burn up the wires after someone's break up is often pervasive and tyrannical, but it's quickly discouraged by realising what I've just detailed. Putting aside the fact that it's terribly impolite, the realisation is that (1) I'm not the first and I probably won't be the last to message, and (2) I'm not going to be the pretext to a joke whose punchline is her reading a text, turning to her a friend and saying "See? Told you!" For the blatant male, that's fine. But to any dude who think he isn't being ripped apart like it's Sex and the City, you're a fool in a nice jacket.

Don't get me wrong, I would never, never, never blame a guy for swooping in quick. A week is like a month in hot girl years. Got’ta hustle! It's not even the penis masquerading as the heart which bugs me, it's the sloppiness really that makes my stomach churn. If we really were as conniving as we give ourselves credit for, the texts and calls would come before the break up and then smoothly continue after. Like with the social media patterns, it's the changes in behaviour which makes the predictable male stick out. He lacks the forethought. He has tendencies toward reaction and not pre-emption, and that laziness puts all males up for parody. Makes me ashamed to be a man.

Of course, in spite of my cynicism toward my own gender, this isn't about all men, it's just about the predictable male, not to be confused with the blatant male. The predictable male tries to act like a gentlemen while he unzips a girl's skirt, unaware that everyone else can see his hands. The blatant male, however, just asks when he can start unzipping, regardless of who's watching. While I still hate his guts, I prefer the latter guy, because at least he's not bullshitting anyone. You see, he's probably astute enough to realise that any girl by her 20s has seen all of our hits. Yeah, we have hits too! They know who they're fanboys are, and they know what "I'm sorry to hear about you and [insert name]" actually means. Now, I'm not saying that the blatant male is repulsive, I’m just saying he’s not a snotty liar. The male population has been caricatured by the predictable male, because he condescends females with tactics used on 10 year olds in MSN chatrooms and they know it. Whether subtle or forthcoming, the end-game is wrapped up in cellophane for everybody to see, so why waste time patronising one gender while disfiguring another trying to unwrap it?

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