Friday, January 6, 2017

My Boss: The Hot Spanish Model

We aren't that stupid, I refuse to believe! Sorry for starting a post half way through a sentence. Poor writing, I know. It's just what I've said following every anecdote a boss has told me about an employee being fired for something they've announced on Facebook, and I've heard quite a few of those. It also follows any article I've just finished or employment seminar I've attended which divulged tales of those who have lost out on positions because of public Insta-nudes or xenophobia on the Tweetie-machine. I just can't see how someone in their twenties and thirties would be so clumsy. On another front, I was recently perusing my Facebook-purgatory I've been building for a few years now - the place where your friend requests fester until you either accept or refuse the request - and as I pondered the motives behind these fake accounts, it occurred to me that my fired colleagues weren't clumsy at all, it was just a fucking sting-operation!

Any guy would know: You open up your new friend request to discover that a gorgeous Japanese 19 year old with e-cup juggernorks wants your friendship! Your heart thumps. Your dick shifts from the left to the right. You fight the insatiable urge to thump on that dick. It's a party in porn town! But then you shovel away at the surface-pixels to find that she only has one other photo of equal boob ratio, no real status updates, four friends from different corners of the globe, none of which are your friends, you don't have any affiliation with Japan, and your name isn't Brad Pitt. You Google the photos to realise that these were her tamest snaps from an instructional video on how to use a double-ended dildo. And you wonder: Who the fuck is this, really? And what are they after exactly? Is it money? Entry to a country the rest of the world thinks is a utopia (and many do)? She's not the first, nor is she the twentieth, and I've had these questions for years. But only now have I realised it's neither of those things, it's that my boss watched lesbian porn to get that profile photo and to see if I've been running my big mouth.

You first need to understand that there is a fear campaign constantly brewing against social media platforms, and it's mainly lead by pterodactyls who bear a resemblance to the bosses who seem to want to school all of us on appropriate internet-use. The reason they tell us these tales is to manipulate us. The message is: "Post that your boss is a cunt and lose your job; it's that simple". The message is that the internet is something it isn't: simply public. But it isn't that simple at all. The internet doesn't work that way and we know that. My colleagues and I are in our twenties, which means that all of our parents were in polygamous marriages with either Mark Zuckerberg, Tom Anderson, or Bill Gates while we were just spotted-tadpoles. Our homes were like reverse Saudi Arabian families, but with social tech-nerds instead of oil-tycoons. This means that we are social media extraordinaires. Many of us learned how to fix MSN Messenger sign in issues before we learned algebra! It's in our DNA. We can tell Facebook from Twitter. The Great Privacy Panic of 2010, an uproar which lead Facebook to allow each user to personalise their privacy policies to the revelation that these companies own your information regardless of what you do, among countless other examples of hysteria, proves the omnipresence of a digital-privacy discourse in our lives.

The second thing that should be pointed out is that fakebooking is an industry in it's own right. Just ask Bieber, he lost three and a half million users last year when Instagram started filtering out it's phony-accounts; maybe with X-Pro II or Kelvin, I don't know. So, again, I simply refuse to believe!

like the book of faces!

I'm not cynical enough to swallow that we're that stupid that we'd defame the people which help us keep the lights on and food in our mouths without first sparing a thought for who will see it. But I do believe we're silly enough to think that a Spanish model - who is actually either our boss or a hired agent - wants us for our sarcastic shower-thoughts and Star Wars trailer reposts. This is the part our employers aren't telling us, how they came to see our posts. A magician doesn't reveal his tricks, the same way that a company doesn't want you to lose that Brad Pitt-complex you've been harbouring, otherwise they wouldn't be able to see your shit-talk. So, while we aren't that stupid, we are just a little, I suppose.